10 Things To Panic About Before You Panic About Enterovirus

As you may have noticed if you’ve been in the vicinity of a TV, newspaper, or the Internet in the last week, Enterovirus D68 is here, and it’s kind of a big deal. But then again, maybe it’s not.

While cases are cropping up in more and more states, for most children who come down with the disease, enterovirus symptoms are going to be about the same as you’d see with another virus currently raging through the nation: the common cold. If your child seems really sick, then take him to the doctor, enterovirus or not. But before you freak out about enterovirus arriving in your state and decide to pack your kids into the car to hide out in a cabin in the woods for the duration, here are a few suggestions for better uses of your precious panicking time.

1. Eyebrow mites.

Most people aren’t going to get enterovirus, but just about everyone has eyebrow mites. Invisible, hideous, and prowling your T-zone as we speak. Has your face just started itching? Did it take your mind off enterovirus? You’re welcome.

2. Forgetting to turn off your cell phone during takeoff.

You’ve just doomed everyone on the plane. Good work.

3. Comets.

You’re not afraid of comets? I have some dinosaurs who would like to have a word with you.

4. Drinking expired milk.

I’m 99% sure that milk turns into poison at midnight on its sell-by date. Why didn’t you check before taking a swig straight from the jug? WHY?

5. The economy, stupid.

A stagnating economy plus the disappearance of long-term job security; and never mind the fact that college is going to cost nine bazillion dollars a year by the time your kid turns eighteen.

6. Calling someone to set up a mom date.

What if you sound desperate? What if you ARE desperate? If you give off a whiff of your intense need for mom friends, she might kick you to the curb. And then who are you going to drink pumpkin spice lattes and talk about your kid’s developmental milestones with? You’re screwed.

7. Fluoridated water.

What are the Commies doing to our precious bodily fluids?

8. The current status of your left nostril.

Oh god. What if there was a booger hanging out of your nose just now when you answered the door? What is the UPS guy going to think? You should go check the mirror just to be safe. GO. HURRY.

9. Which Facebook groups you shared that picture with.

Do Aunt Gertrude, your boss, and your high school English teacher now know that you are a #girldrinkdrunk, and if so, is this going to be a subject of conversation at your next team meeting or family dinner?

10. The inevitable heat death of the universe.