Now that Halloween is around the corner, and Fright Fest is in full swing on STFU, Parents, I think it’s time to shine a light on a subject that I’ve been “curating” in my files for a very long time. The subject: Poop art. The artists: Children. And ohh yes, there are photos.The thing about using poop as a means for artistic expression is that kids are not the first people to come up with the idea. Artists have been making stinky statements with human (and other) feces for years in attempts to shock the art world and/or avoid buying art materials, so this is nothing new. And for children, both creativity and poop come quite naturally, so to speak. Kids have the uncanny ability to take a dump, play with their dirty diaper contents, and then decide, hey, what the hell, I’ve already got this poop on my hands, why not rub it all over my body and the wall? They truly don’t know any better, and for that reason, they cannot be blamed for flinging their own shit around the room like a primate.

However, their parents do know better, and when they choose to post on Facebook about their kid’s latest “shit-xhibit,” they can be blamed. By me. By everyone, actually, but especially by me because I know just how many parents are participating in this online practice, and let me tell you, it’s a lot. I’ve probably seen more poop-smeared walls, cribs, and bodies over the past few years than I have actual works of art, and no number of jokes about a kid being a veritable “Poop-casso” will erase these horrors in my mind. For years, I’ve filed away these poop art submissions like some kind of bizarre hoarder, always waiting for the right moment to unleash my “art collection” to the world, but today I’m opening the vault. If you make it to the end of this column, you will come away with an education that you never ever wanted, and a new appreciation for clean, white walls. Here are but a few of the ways parents talk about “poop paint” on social media:

1. Finger Painting With a Diaper

1. finger painting with a poopy diaper
The joys of motherhood! Right, ladies?? One day your home smells like spiced cinnamon potpourri, the next it smells like it’s been covered in literal shit! Because it has! Yay for moms.