Whenever Father’s Day rolls around and grills across America go on sale, I like to celebrate by posting a collection of funny dad posts, a la Mom’s (or Dad’s) Gold Star. But this year, I wanted to take it a step further and really zero in on the essence of all things stereotypically “dad” with an entire column dedicated to penis jokes. Or, I should say, parent-told jokes surrounding artworks that are unintentionally, yet unequivocally, phallic and also made by small children. Sometimes this penis art is made to look like something else (and it just so happens to look like a schlong instead). Other times, children seem to exhibit an interest in their bodies through drawings or newly formed habits, but the kids haven’t got the faintest clue. This is where the unintentional comedy comes in.
When children are little, and they haven’t really mastered the art of drawing yet, a LOT of what they draw turns out to look like a penis. Of course, to them each illustration represents something totally different: a building, a banana, a literal one-eyed monster, etc. But to their parents, it’s just “the penis my kid drew on Tuesday, the penis my kid drew on Thursday, and the penis my kid drew on Friday at school.” Don’t believe me? Check out some of these examples, or this picture of “two men driving a drilling machine.” It’s not hard to see what these parents see in their kids’ inspired art. And anyone who’s read STFU, Parents knows what a fan I am of ridiculous children’s artwork. I kind of can’t believe that preschool teachers don’t just spend their days laughing at their own students as they’re told that pictures that appear to be traced images of male anatomy are actually drawings of airplanes, worms, or fictional superheroes. Bless those teachers for not giving their students weird mental complexes and telling them outright that their version of a butterfly just looks like two penises stuck together.
No, they leave all that up to the parents, who now have the ability to share their kids’ art via social media and laugh with their adult friends like they’re in Show & Tell. Normally, my attitude is that social media allows most of us to share far more than is necessary for our friends to know about our lives — but in the case of children’s artwork, I love it when parents treat Facebook like a blank refrigerator covered in magnets. Don’t keep your kids’ hilarious drawings to yourselves, parents! This is the shit your friends actually ENJOY seeing. They don’t care about Brayden’s first poo poo in the potty, or his first time reciting his ABCs; what they want to do is laugh, and it’s even better when they’re laughing with you at unintentional pictures of penises. Let’s check out some possibly inappropriate, definitely entertaining examples — and to all you dads out there, have a Happy Father’s Day!