One of the most common types of status updates on Facebook is the “dear fill-in-the-blank” update. I’ve seen these updates written by seemingly everyone, and I’ve probably written a few myself, but that doesn’t stop me from mocking them ruthlessly. You see, it’s not necessarily the formulaic set-up that’s worth mocking; crafting a status update in the form of a letter isn’t inherently funny or strange. It’s all about context. And when that context comes from a place of whining, complaining, or hostility, I can’t help but read the updates in the voice of a frustrated teenager. I imagine a brooding teen who’s angry — so angry! — over something very small that might feel very big in his/her life for but a few fleeting moments. That’s what these updates represent to me. It takes a certain kind of person to use Facebook as therapy (or as a diary), but that’s what “dear fill-in-the-blankers” do, particularly since most of them are mothers who are stuck at home with their cranky babies.

Specifically, I’m talking about the woe is mom crowd. We already know these folks tend to freak out over ruined nap times, but did you know there’s a sub-genre of woe is mom that’s solely about people who write hostile letters to nap time offenders on Facebook? Well, there is now! Let’s check out the various offenses and violently creative threats and repercussions that woe is mom dear fill-in-the-blankers will happily enforce if their baby gets awakened just one more time.

1. Dear JERK 

STFU Parents

Stupid JERKS a.k.a. garbage men who insist on picking up and SLAMMING down dumpsters when they empty them. Why can’t they be more quiet when handling large steel waste receptacles that weigh an average of 350 pounds? Don’t they know this action causes babies to cry and dogs to pace underfoot? Ugh garbage men and their annoying truck hydraulics are going to cause Brooke to break some innocent person’s leg today.

 2. Dear neighbors upstairs

STFU Parents

Okay, Caitlyn’s neighbors, you’ve got ONE more chance to do right by Caitlyn and her baby. ONE. Otherwise, the consequences are smelly and they will be lit ablaze. You’re dealing with a bona fide momma grizzly here, and she’s not afraid to use her nonretractile claws to scoop shit into a bag. Wake up at 5:30 in the morning at your own risk!

 3. Dear VERY inconsiderate neighbor

STFU Parents

Heather doesn’t care if her inconsiderate neighbors are working on a motorcycle or a go-kart or a dune buggy or a rocket ship; if they’re loud again, she’s coming over with a FIERCE attitude and she will NOT be ignored! She’s already got her shoes by the front door. Don’t give her a reason to put them on!

 4. Dear neighbor who lives 1/2 mile away

STFU ParentsHaha, you know what would be funny? If Wendy stepped outside as her neighbor was walk/carrying her yipping dog and then BOOM!, that neighbor and her constantly yipping dog were rolling down a bumpy hill. Bet the dog wouldn’t be inclined to bark anymore! Maybe if Wendy’s neighbor wasn’t so obsessed with giving her dog “fresh air” and “exercise” at 7 a.m. this wouldn’t be such a “problem.” Ugh, suburbs, amirite??

 5. Dear construction workers

STFU Parents

Hey construction workers — we all know it sucks that you have to get up at the crack of dawn to do manual labor under the hot summer sun, but do you guys think you could please shut the fuck up at 7:15 in the morning? Maybe you could just get an iced latte instead? Or a cronut? Monica might have to come outside and threaten you with a bat if you don’t. Sincerely, a blogger who doesn’t give a shit. 🙂