STFU Parents: Celebrating All The Funny Dads On Facebook

This week, in honor of Father’s Day, I’m giving props to all the funny dads on Facebook. For every terrible fart joke or Instagram of a toddler’s bathtub floater, most dads post something truly witty. I’m not saying it’s a balanced 1:1 ratio, but for the most part dads on Facebook have two objectives when it comes to posting about their kids: Make people recoil or make people laugh. And more times than not, I’d say they manage to achieve both. Dads don’t tend to use Facebook as a way to communicate their feelings of insecurity or frustration; rather, they use it as a platform to be as vile or hilarious as possible. They act like goofs pulling pranks on their friends, which is in many ways a much more lighthearted use of Facebook than the way moms tend to use it. Dads don’t use Facebook for validation. They use it to virtually high five their buddies about something stupid. It’s actually refreshing.

Of course, dads aren’t perfect. I’ve seen some extremely questionable photos – and submissions like this – that make my jaw drop. Some dads have no conscience, no inner voice saying, “Posting a picture of your daughter hopping around the living room with toilet paper flying out of her ass is the worst idea you’ve ever had.” And to those dads, I am sorry. This column is not dedicated to you and your impulsively bad decisions. No, it’s dedicated to those who strive for more than cheap laughs and who put real thought into their updates by adding that special Dad Flairâ„¢. Let’s take a look at some dad-centric examples:

1. Analogies

 

OK, I’ve seen funnier, but this dad makes a good point about pigeons and babies. Plus the visual is pretty hilarious. It’s always nice to see a funny baby comparison that doesn’t involve drunken frat boys or Snooki.

2. Boys Will Be Boys

 

Oh, dads. It’s hard to believe men actually buy Playboy anymore, but I’m assuming that Brian just reads it for the articles. As demonstrated by the cover, of course. The most immature part of my brain appreciates this status update for its dude-like qualities, but the more rational part wonders why Brian doesn’t just watch “adult entertainment” for free on the Internet?

3. Hyperbole

 

If there’s one thing dads do well, it’s communicate sarcasm on Facebook. Chris knows how to craft an update in such a way that it leaves the comments wide open for more jokes, and in my opinion that’s the best use of Facebook. Why corner your friends with constant complaints or random facts (“Just got back from the gym! Time for lunch!”) when you can entice them into making fun of you?

4. Current Events

 

Current events dad is my favorite type of Facebook dad. He’s informative, funny, and a little edgy. He’s not afraid to make an inappropriate joke no matter the cost, and he’s casually offensive as a general rule. As a bonus, he usually has funny friends (who also earn Gold Stars).

5. Dadservations

 

A “dad observation” is a dadservation. For a certain demographic, these observations frequently revolve around Star Wars, Batman, hair band nostalgia, and Dungeons and Dragons. Justin sounds like a thoughtful character in a Kevin Smith movie, if Kevin Smith made a movie for dads. Which he should obviously do, because there’s a huge market for that.

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