STFU Parents: Yoonique Names Beyonce Should Consider For Her Babies

Recently, Beyonce set a new record on Instagram when she announced that she’s pregnant with twins. Most people appeared to be very happy about this 2017 diversion — though some did suggest her photos looked like they were taken at a J.C. Penney portrait studio, which was kind of…fair? Not fair? Hey, what’s a maternity shoot without a few detractors, amirite? There will always be SOMEONE who’s like, “How come you decided to go underwater?” or  “How come you guys did those stupid heart hands?” or “How come you painted your belly like a baseball?” Those are understandable questions. But the point of interest that I’m most intrigued by isn’t why Beyonce chose to hire a certain photographer; it’s what she’s going to name her twins.

Beyonce and Jay-Z are currently parents to one child named Blue Ivy, so the potential for giving their twins bombastic and/or yoonique names is wide-reaching. If you think about it, the sky’s the limit for those lucky little fetuses chillin’ in her magic womb. Anything is possible. Family names, historical names, made-up names, names no one but Beyonce can pronounce…who knows what direction they’ll go in? She can get away with whatever she wants and the Beyhive will promptly “get in formation” and adore her for it. She could tell the world that her kids’ names were inspired by the sounds of a didgeridoo and everyone would be like, “That’s amazing, YOU’RE amazing, THEY’RE amazing… Welcome to the world OOOhhhmmwahwawh and Rrrrrmmmmmmowwwow!” If that sounds totally unrealistic to you, check out this email someone sent me in December:

Emrrik, Merrik, and Kirrem? No. Those names sound like me when I’m talking to the dentist with cotton in my mouth. And yet they exist, proving that uncommon names are as trendy as ever. I mean, look at this unpronounceable name that I heard back in November and still can’t figure out:

Is Anozira a brand of dandruff shampoo? Does it get sprayed by exterminators to kill roaches? It sounds effective! But as a name, a little confusing. I’m not saying that people should name their kids Mary or John, but Anozria? If you’re gonna get that yoonique, you may as well take it all the way:

This is an excellent baby name and I’ll be auctioning it off on my blog with a starting bid of $10,000. DO NOT give your baby the name =er without clearing it with me and paying for the rights. If you do, you can expect Red here to prosecute. Yoonique names are SPESHUL names, and that sanctity must be respected. Says me and these hippies:

Disco King? Now we’re entering some Bey and Jay territory. What if they decide to get musical on us? What if they give their kids names that honor the greatest musicians of our time, with a subtle twist that only Bey and Jay are capable of devising? Think about it.

I’m kidding, of course — Beyonce would never name her angels something as obvious as “Eltyn Joan” or “BobDylan,” though I think we can all agree that naming a potential baby boy “SeanPaul” after her 2003 collaboration with Sean Paul on the song “Baby Boy” would be kinda cool.

Then again, a lot of names would be kinda cool in our current political climate. Beyonce could name a son “Feminist” and I wouldn’t be mad at it. She could name a daughter “Nevertheless, She Persisted” and I’d be down. (That might be better for a middle name, but hear me out.) Now might not be the time to name babies the word “heaven” backwards (aka Nevaeh). I think the words “help” (Pleh), “fascism” (Msicsaf), and “impeachment” (Tnemhcaepmi) are much stronger options, AND they roll right off the tongue while still sounding super unique. After all, if white people are dumb enough to consider naming their babies “Aryanna” and “Aryan” without any context whatsoever, Beyonce and Jay-Z have some thinkin’ to do.

Just for the record, this isn’t the first submission or example I’ve seen in which a parent spelled the name “Arian” with a ‘y.’ But in case white folks didn’t know, it’s actually not a very good idea!

Ohhhhh, parents. They think they’re so funny when they give their kids terrible or politically incorrect names. Here’s a good example of someone with the last name “Law” who thinks she is TOO fucking funny, and whose stupidity astounds me:

The part that could get taken out of context that Pink is referring to is the “Legend” part — y’know, ’cause of sex and stuff? The part where a kid’s name could hypothetically be interpreted as being in favor of Martial Law — defined as “the imposition of the highest-ranking military officer as the military governor or as the head of the government, thus removing all power from the previous executive, legislative, and judicial branches of government” — is totally fine. Because it’s not spelled “Martial,” silly, it’s MARSHALL! :))) No, but really, though, people should be less stupid.

Bold names for bold times! But if you’re going to give your kids names that reflect the current atmosphere in the U.S. and much of the world, get more kreative.

Changed his name in the hospital?! Well why on earth would anyone go and do a thing like that when you’ve got a perfectly good name to begin with? Rhyatt, which I assume is a play on the word “riot,” is a suspiciously yoonique name that I’ve yet to come across, which is partly why this submission struck me as being so funny. The submitter wrote, “I stared at this longer than I care to admit trying to figure out how to say it. It came from a mom group I’m a part of. If the frontrunner was “Rhyatt,” I wonder what they changed it to!”

Upon Googling, here is what I learned about this elusive name: “From 1880 to 2015, the Social Security Administration has recorded 6 babies born with the name Rhyatt in the United States. The name was first given to 5 or more babies in the year 2015 when it was given to 6 new born babies. The highest recorded use of the name “Rhyatt” was in 2015 with a total of 6 babies.” In other words, “2015 is when dumb people got a whole lot dumber, in case you guys weren’t sure where to draw the line in history.”

Honestly, considering people are naming their kids “Aryanna,” “Anarchy,” and “Rhyatt,” if Beyonce DOES decide to use this political moment in time as inspiration for naming her twins, I hope she goes full hippie. Give us some freaking HOPE, Beyonce, even if it sounds like you came up with the names in a dusty tent at Burning Man or on a Phish lot in 1995. Even if it’s corny, it’ll be better than “Marshall freaking Law.

Ouch. Scratch that. Beyonce shouldn’t give her kids names at all. They should just be symbols and future branding logos, like “The Artist Formerly Known as Prince” would’ve told us all back in 1993. But since we can safely assume the logo thing is probably still a few years in the future, might I offer just one more piece of advice to my best friend Beyonce regarding naming her twins? Beyonce, if you’re reading this (and I know you are!), the one thing I ask is that if you decide to give your kids names with an accent mark — like your own name, Beyonce — just remember to be consistent with that accent mark whenever you mention his or her name(s). Otherwise, people get kinda puzzled and are like, “Wtf? Is it Beyonce, Beyonce, Beyonce’, or Beyoncè?”

These were all posted by the aunt of baby Signature’ / Signature / Signature, so maybe she’s still getting the hang of writing her name, or…something. Also, what kind of name is “Signature”? It’ll be weird when this baby is old enough to deal with contracts. “We’ll just need your signature, er, your John Hancock, right here, Signature.” At the very least, this adorable baby (seriously, one of the cutest babies ever) deserves to have the accent mark (or apostrophe?!) used correctly in her name.

That being said, I know if Beyonce gives one or both of her twins’ names an accent mark, she won’t screw it up, because she’s Beyonce. And if she does go the more obvious route and winds up naming her babies Gold Leaf and Pink Fern, so be it.