172228253Loooooooooool4ever. Man, I am seriously drunk off this post. My pal Alisande alerted me to this and it’s a damn Christmas miracle. So grab some nog or a 40 oz or whatever and sit back and enjoy this with me, mmmmkay?

So this woman in the UK tells the amazing tale of how her two pretty old stepdaughters don’t like her, and they really don’t like her Christmas celebrations. So because the holiday is stressful and the girls don’t care for her she does all sorts of amazing shit.

First, she cooks dinner for 12 hours and spends £700 on food. This is like over one thousand dollars. WHAT WAS SHE MAKING FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER THAT TOOK SO LONG AND COST SO MUCH WAS SHE MAKING GOLD SANDWICHES?

When one of her stepdaughters doesn’t like the gold sandwiches she rages out and:

Incensed and more than a little fraught, I told her I had a much better idea for removing the fruit.

I picked up her plate and threw  it out of the living room window, custard and all.

And then her stepdaughters left and her husband wouldn’t talk to her so the following year she decided to host Christmas again. And she spent ANOTHER  £700 on food plus an additional  £300 on presents for each of the girls, including a cut glass decanter. BECAUSE WHO DOESN’T WANT THAT?

So the day goes badly, even though no pudding was thrown this year, but no one talks to the stepmother and they all just watch TV and she complains to her husband (who had just lost his “sports and leisure” business) that everyone is ignoring her and he makes a joke about it so she:

I grabbed hold of the 6ft tree, ripping the fairy lights plug out of the wall, and hauled it down the hallway.

I ripped the wallpaper and knocked over a coffee table, but I was past caring. I opened the front door and threw the tree into the front garden: fairy lights and baubles smashed into the flowerbeds.

So finally after all this pudding and tree-tossing drama she decides that they will just go out to dinner alone and that way she won’t be as stressed but on Christmas morning the undertaker shows up because someone had called them to report her dead.

‘I’ve come to remove your body, but you’re not dead,’ he stuttered.

I distinctly remember replying: ‘Actually I’m fine.’

He apologised profusely before explaining someone had phoned claiming I’d died suddenly in the night.

I dismissed it as a sick prank. Privately, though, it didn’t take much guesswork to establish who was behind it.

Basically, no matter what sort of mom you are, stepmother or not, NONE of us will ever have as epic and as dramatic a holiday as this woman has so we pretty much all should just give up right now. This entire article needs to be made into a Lifetime Movie or something. I honestly think the Daily Mail is trolling us all at this point. The story ends on a sad note because the husband ends up walking out on her to be closer to his daughters and abandons her in France and she ends up saying this:

Today, I am single and no longer celebrate Christmas – the thought of making a pudding makes me shudder. I don’t bother with decorations, let alone a tree.

Rather, my heart goes out to the thousands of miserable stepmums who have to put up with truculent stepchildren.

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

(Image: getty images)