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If you’re getting ready to have your first child, you’ve probably been inundated with advice; what diapers to use, which bottles are best, which strollers are best for the money – these are all helpful tips. But really listen up when your parent friends talk about what time their kids go to bed. If it’s before Wheel of Fortune is over – they’re doing it right. And they’re probably sleep training.

I’m having a moment right now where I hate all my friends who went the sleep training route. In my head, I am winning the suffering olympics of parenting, because I do it so many hours a day. If your kids go to bed at seven o’clock, you can’t complain about anything, ever. Do you hear me? Shut your big, fat, sleep-training, superior-parenting mouth-hole. Also – you are a much better parent than I am. I can admit that now. Parents-to-be – here’s what happens when you don’t sleep train:

Right now my toddler is jogging in place in his pack-and-play. It’s 10:02 p.m. Why do you have a 3-year-old falling asleep in a pack-and-play, you ask? Because he has to be in jail or he will wander around his room endlessly. People think I am exaggerating when I say this – I assure you I’m not. I put my child to bed at 8:30 every night, and every night he talks to himself for roughly two and a half hours. Shoot me.