The 12 Stages Of Trying To Get A Full Night's Sleep While Pregnant

Don’t you love all of those people who give you the completely useless advice of “get as much sleep as you can before the baby comes!” Thanks, idiot. I’ll keep that in mind tonight, between getting up 14 times to pee and trying to adjust tiny toes out of my ribcage. Why do people give this advice?

Never tell a pregnant woman to get as much sleep as she can — because this is what sleeping through the night is like when you are housing a human.

1. Exhaustion

You’re tired, but laying down sucks, but you’re tired. Your once comfortable bed has turned into the place you go nightly to toss and turn. You realize you have to go there.

2. Preparation

You put on as few clothes as possible and start the pillow rearranging. If you don’t have one of those giant, encompassing body pillows, you have probably effectively stolen every pillow in the house to make your night bearable.

3. Adjustment

You spend an ungodly amount of time trying to place pillows in such a way to ensure maximum comfort. Nothing works really — but you finally feel some relief.

4. Bathroom

And then you have to pee.

5. Negotiation

You return to bed to find that your partner has tried to reclaim some of his real estate on the bed.

6. Problem Solving

You slowly start inching your monstrosity of a pregnancy pillow back toward him.

7. Shoving

The subtle push of the pregnancy pillow isn’t working. You abandon passive-aggressive and go full aggressive. You get your rightful space — 80% of the bed — back.

8. Bathroom