Viral Blog Post Wants To Tell You All The Ways You’re A Horrible Wife

I have been happily married for ten years. My husband and I have had a remarkably easy time of it and still get a huge kick out of each other. Unfortunately, I learned from an article I read this morning that I have been unknowingly trying to destroy him. It turns out that while I’ve spent all these years trying to make us happy, I should have been worried about making him happy. Why? I don’t know. Because penis, I guess.

Katelyn Carmen has written a post for Family Share called “5 Ways You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Husband And Killing Your Marriage” that has now been viewed over 1.7 million times and is sure to be found on the Facebook feed of anyone with an uber-religious friend that they haven’t unfriended for the sake of loyalty and/or entertainment. Those of you who were under the impression that your marriage was just fine had better pay attention because you are wrong. So very wrong.

Carmen’s comments on how we have all screwed this whole thing up are based in her belief that we are not caring for our husbands in the right ways. Personally, I was super-psyched to marry someone who could take care of himself, but of course I agree that a marriage is about two people supporting each other and working together as a team…it’s not? It’s more about him than me? Oh. Well, shit.

Carmen does note that, “…as a caveat, please understand that although this article is directed toward women, it applies to men as well.” Unfortunately, if you read the article it becomes pretty clear that that is not the case. One look at the related articles on the sidebar makes it clear who the intended audience is and what the prevailing attitude is:

• Your Husband Has 5 Basic Needs, Are You Meeting Them?
• 7 Ways To Tell If He Is In Love With You
• Why Women Should Initiate Intimacy More Often

So, let’s not get it twisted, Carmen. Stand behind your crazy words. And what are those words? Here are Carmen’s five ways we are disappointing our husbands:

1. “Living outside of what you can afford.”

A wise old woman from my church congregation once advised: “The best thing you can do as a wife is to live within your husband’s means.”

Listen, anytime someone starts a story with, “a wise old woman once told me” and they aren’t making a joke, you know you are in for some Grade-A bullshit. And this one does not disappoint. For one thing, there happen to be a lot of women out there making bank. Some of us (including yours truly) are not, however, and so we live on our partner’s salary. If there is a woman out there buying stuff she can’t afford and putting her family at risk financially, she has a whole lot more to worry about than being “grateful for what [her husband] provides.” Also, sometimes dudes outspend their wives. It’s true. “$300 for a massage, Barry?”

2. “Constant negativity.”

Uh oh. I might be fucked.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from marriage is [sic] that a good man wants you to be happy, and if he can’t help you do that, it makes him unhappy. It’s okay to have a bad day once in a while, that’s totally understandable, but don’t make it a way of life.

I’m going to need to start afternoon drinking if I’m going to accomplish this.

3. “Putting everything else first.”

When your children, mom, best friends, talents, or career in [sic] front of your husband, you send a clear message to him that he is unimportant. Imagine having that message sent to you every day for many years. What would that do to your self esteem [sic]?

I can’t even get into this argument again. But if we were all drowning and I went to save my husband before my kids because he is my pookie poo, that would be wrong (please note: I have never in my life called my husband “pookie poo”). There are many times when I put other things before my husband. Just as there are times when, shockingly, I am not the number one priority in his day. To me, this is healthy. And I kinda like being married to a man who doesn’t need to feel like the center of my universe in order to be happy.

4. “Withholding physical affection.”

It is a great blessing to be wanted and needed by a loving, romantic husband who wants to share something so beautiful and important with you — and you only. Even though you might not always be in the mood, it’s worth it to give in (when you can) and spend that time bonding.

There are a lot of assumptions being made up there. Those assumptions include: “loving,” “romantic,” “beautiful,” “important,” and “only you.” But I do love the idea of making yourself have sex even if you have no interest in it. Because that’s what every man wants to hear: that you’re going to “give in” even though you aren’t in the mood. Mm-hm. Look out, it’s sexy time.

Every couple’s sex life is different, and they all need to figure out what works for them in their marriage. Now I’ll thank you to mind your business and leave me alone so I can watch the wedding night episode of Outlander. Again.

5. “Not speaking his language.”

Don’t waste your time giving subtle hints that he won’t understand: Speak plainly to him. Be honest about your feelings, and don’t bottle things up until you burst. If he asks you what’s wrong, don’t respond with “nothing” and then expect him to read your mind and emotions. Be open about how you really feel.

So…speak plainly and without subtlety, like you do to your dog. You wouldn’t say to your dog, “Boy, I really wouldn’t mind throwing a round object around in the yard for a while.” No, you’d say “Ball.” Ditto for your husband.

But I guess the overall message here is to be honest with your husband. Hm. Intriguing. I’ll have to think about that for a while and get back to you in some passive aggressive way.

Thanks for the advice, Carmen, but I’m going to go ahead and continue to love and value my husband without trying to make my days about how to make him the happiest weirdo he can be. I have other things to do, you know.

(Photo: Twitter)