10 Questions That Will Confirm You’re Not Making A Playdate With An Obnoxious Mom

The other day at dance class my 3-year-old invited some random child over for a playdate, which means said child’s random mom and I will be spending quality time together while our toddlers destroy things near each other. I’m socially awkward and most of my friends live in the computer, so of course my toddler is the most outgoing person since ever. She puts me in these situations on the regular and it’s anxiety-inducing. Honestly, it’s probably for the best. She needs socialization and so do I. It’s just that I’ve been burned by the random playdate before. I live in the Midwest and too many times I’ve met up with moms expecting a few hours of light small talk, only to be bombarded with Mary Kay sales pitches and invitations to switch religions.

I often find myself wishing for a more thorough way to vet potential playdates to spare us both an afternoon of awkwardly pretending to enjoy each other’s company. There should totally be a Match.com for mom-friends, but in the absence of such a place, I’d contend with a simple questionnaire that playdate parents have to complete before they’re allowed to come to your house. The person hosting emails it, the potential guest fills it out, and then if there’s a match you set the date. No strings, no hard feelings. Simple. My playdate questionnaire would consist of the following to ensure maximum compatibility:

1. Would you like to sell me something and/or recruit me into your multi-level marketing scheme? If so, skip questions 2-8 because we’re done here.

2. On a scale of Jenny McCarthy to Bill Nye, how much do you believe in science?

3. My religious beliefs (or lack thereof) differ from yours. How concerned are you for my eternal damnation and more importantly, how much will I have to hear about it?

4. Do you put pictures of your kid’s poop, vomit, and/or exposed private parts on Facebook? If so, I don’t want you to come over, but please use the space provided to briefly explain what’s wrong with you.

5. Approximately how much time will you spend talking about what a genius your kid is, and will you be offended if I start drinking after the first half hour?

6. Do you plan on supervising your kid while you’re here, or are you just going to hang on the couch while they act like an asshole?

7. Are you offended that I just called your kid a potential asshole?

8. We won’t be doing any Pinterest activities while you’re here and some of my snacks come in packages. Can you handle this? Think hard.

9. True or False: I’m a big fan of doing whatever works, I don’t take myself too seriously, and also I like to cuss a lot.

10. If you answered “true” to question 9: Can we please be BFFs 4ever?

(Photo: Shutterstock)