Prince George Turns One And Is So Much Better At Baby-ing Than Your Baby

Can it be?! Is the littlest and most stylish and perfect prince in the world really a whole year old already?! Why, it was only yesterday that I was standing in the lobby at work watching the Teevee awaiting the news of his blessed arrival and to find out his name and judge Kate Middleton’s post-partum body (duh). And I was not the only one who was excited-journalists camped out for days awaiting his royal emergence from his mom’s vag and now, on the anniversary of that day, E! Network ran a super amazing and fun-fact filled special called “Prince George Turns One”.

I was obviously riveted the entire time and eagerly awaiting information I was not already obsessively aware of but as The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are, frankly, amazing and down-to-earth parents who keep their son’s life very private, there is not a whole lot of info out there about the tiny tot. But the esteemed hosts of this hard-hitting news segment did not let that stop them, deftly pointing out that Prince George “looks sooo one” and letting us all know that this kid is basically a total boss. This half hour of journalistic integrity totally convinced me that he is clearly on top of his baby game with not only his trend-setting style, but also, his kingly toy-stealing ways! With a little pot-belly and barely more hair than his father, Prince George steals the show everywhere he goes and is most definitely one dominant and bad-ass baby.

As informative as this news special was (and OH it was) I feel like there are so many “fun facts” that E! foolishly left out. Have no fear, dear readers- I am your intrepid Royal Family reporter and I am here to keep it real with all things regal and whatnot. Here is my list of six important facts that E! left out of their comprehensive analysis of the Princelet’s first year of life:

1. His Royal Poop

Prince George likely shat his fancy pants at least 427 times in his first year of life! That’s a lot of dung!

2. His Royal Spit-Up

89 is the conservative estimate for the number of cashmere baby blankets Prince George ruined with his royal spit-up and shit stains.

3. His Royal Hairline

Prince William had his regal hairline adjusted at least five times via the Royal Photoshop in his son’s first year of life!

4. His Royal Dumb Shoes

Prince George outgrew a total of seven pairs of old-timey, boring baby shoes over the course of his first year! Will someone get this kid a pair of fucking Stride Rites??

5. His Royal Wardrobe Malfunctions

The number of lame 1800’s Little Lord Fauntleroy overall outfits Prince George wore in his first year is unknown but there is photo evidence of a twisted strap and there is a nanny in a dungeon doing time for it.

6. His Royal Trendsetting

There are untold numbers of British women currently doing a stint in the clink for getting into fisticuffs over the last set of Aden and Anais swaddle blankets that are exactly what Prince George was wrapped in for his ride home from the hospital. LAND SAKES, THIS IS HISTORY!!! OUT OF MY WAY!!!

You can reach this post’s author, Valerie Williams, on Twitter or via e-mail at mommyishvalerie@gmail.com