If there is one thing I know about being pregnant, is that all pregnant women take any opportunity to draw shit on their bellies. This is how pregnant women say to the world I am pregnant, pay attention to my belly and I’m pregnant, but I also have a real wacky sense of humor. After I remove this shit from my belly let’s sit around and watch some Robin Williams stand-up comedy VHS tapes and forward some lawyer joke chain mail letters to our in-laws. Pregnant women are hilarious! There is nothing as funny as extended weeks involving acid reflux and having your ankles so swollen that you end up wearing flip flops to the DMV, a place that totally requires close-toed shoes if ever there was one. A woman with the precious gift of life growing inside of her is always up for some hilarious hi-jinks, including drawing shit on her belly, especially when she is all alone in a wheat field.

 

You Are My Sunshine 

iStock / gdinMika

iStock / gdinMika

This bitch. This bitch is the one who was always trying to convince her other knocked up friends to take prenatal yoga with her or to attend Burning Man or to weave hemp baby diapers or some shit. She is the same women who after she spews life from her vag will make everyone around her who also has a baby feel really shitty if they can’t breastfeed.

Avon Calling! 

(Image: Osokina Liudmila/shutterstock)

(Image: Osokina Liudmila/shutterstock)

LOL it’s a face. A face made out of face cream or a travel sized serving of mayonnaise or coagulated whale jizz or something in a jar. Hilarious.

Just Go Buy Some Damn Paper 

(Image: Oksana Kuzmina/shutterstock)

(Image: Oksana Kuzmina/shutterstock)

But mommy, why can’t I use paper like the rest of the kids? Are you going to wuv my widdle brudder or sister more dem me and let dem have paper instead of painting on your tummy?

BEHOLD! 

(Image: spstudio.com.ua/shutterstock)

(Image: spstudio.com.ua/shutterstock)

Behold my belly! Behold my sports bra! Behold my angry expression! Behold!

Toothpaste Works In A Pinch 

(image: AnikaNes/shutterstock)

(image: AnikaNes/shutterstock)

In case you run out of whale jizz.

11:05 Is When We Will Bring Life Into The World 

(Image: Sergey Peterman/shutterstock)

(Image: Sergey Peterman/shutterstock)

And 11:30 is when we will dine on placenta and put the placenta bowl on your head to give you another haircut.


Stop Me If You’ve Heard This One

(Image:  botazsolti/shutterstock)

(Image: botazsolti/shutterstock)

Knock Knock!

Who’s There?

It’s me your fetus and when I’m born I’m going to fuck you up so bad. Looololololololol fetus.

Mama’s Li’l Music Fan  

(Image: Marius Pirvu/shutterstock)

(Image: Marius Pirvu/shutterstock)

I was trying to decide if she was exposing her unborn to Japanese death metal or the theme from Dora The Explorer or some other shitty music to make it’s face all flick-ted like this but then I realized due to her getting jiggly with it facial expression she was obviously making her fetus rock out to The Spin Doctorsgreatest hits. ”

Prenatal Bonding  

shutterstock_152086502

(image: Marius Pirvu/shutterstock)

If you are concerned about how your little tow-headed youngster will react when the baby arrives, draw some stupid face on your belly and make your kid talk to it so it will make the baby seem more real . This can obviously backfire if your creepy little kid just keeps shoving his fingers into your various orifices.

 The Fetus In The Dell 

(Image: Vladimir Melnikov/shutterstock)

(Image: Vladimir Melnikov/shutterstock)

As much as I enjoy this whacky little face drawn on this chick’s belly, the obvious more pressing question is where can we all get these overalls and wear them at all times even when not pregnant with crop tops because this may be the best outfit I have ever seen on any human ever. EVER.