Anonymous Kid is a 17-year-old who is the daughter of polyamorous parents.
I read PolyMom’s latest article with great interest. I was quite surprised and dismayed by the naivety displayed and her subsequent justification. She explained it away by saying, “I trust my partner.” When in a polyamorous relationship, trusting just the one partner isn’t enough because the web often extends far beyond the scope of just one or two other people. I know that from dealing with my biological parents. The woman who gave birth to me was in no less than three or four relationships with other polyamorous people. Her girlfriend was the same way and worse at times. Guess what? That means they were exposed to God knows what every time they were intimate with one of them. I heard her girlfriend
say she had a “friendly vagina” one day. Whatever that is. They may have trusted their partners, but who is to say that their partner’s partners or their partners were doing right and wrapping it up? I was privy to both of them engaging in risky activity like one-night stands and friends with benefits.
I’m just a teenager, but I know full and well that the “pull out,” “rhythm,” or any other methods don’t EVER prevent diseases, and pregnancy is still a real possibility. As long as you have functioning organs and he’s not shooting blanks, pregnancy can happen. If a woman can still get pregnant after having a tubal or even a partial hysterectomy, it’s common sense that a pregnancy can occur at other times, too. A vasectomy isn’t fool proof either. I’m also not simple enough to buy into the notion that the only time a woman can conceive is during the period of ovulation either. Thus, when I do become sexually active, I’m not going to take chances. I’m not ready to be a mother. I need to know myself before I can call myself somebody’s mama.
My frustration with PolyMom’s article is that she knew that her boyfriend didn’t want kids, and she knows that her financial situation isn’t where she wants it to be. Those two reasons are more than enough proof that no birth control and pulling out weren’t the best ideas. She just wrote an article a few weeks back about how the financial situation is at home. Why even risk bringing a baby into a situation like that? In addition to that, she has a history of difficult or even high-risk pregnancies. The difficult pregnancies would be enough for me to say, “It’s time for me to be proactive by means of permanent or semi-permanent methods.” With conditions like that and knowing that abortion isn’t something that would be much of an option, why put yourself in a situation that could be controlled?
It’s not so much about the risky behavior and belief that pulling out is fool proof. It’s more so that she’s not valuing her own health and well-being. I know that hormonal birth control doesn’t work for everyone, but if that’s the case, look at non-hormonal options like diaphragms, sponges, spermicides, non-hormonal IUD (copper, maybe), or good old fashioned condoms. In a poly relationship, I’d be using condoms because I may trust my boyfriend, but who’s to say that I’d need to trust every person he came into contact with? It would be silly to believe that cheating doesn’t happen in poly relationships. It happened in my own biological family. My former half-sibling isn’t really my dad’s kid because his ex-girlfriend cheated. So cheating happens even in “open” and non-monogamous relationships. What if she had continued to cheat and came into contact with an STD/STI and passed it on to him? Then, he passed it on to my biological mother, who then passed it on to her three other partners who passed it on to theirs?
I’m clueless about what trust has to do with being fluid bonded in this relationship style. “I trust you enough to let you smash raw.” Or how some poly people frame it, “It brings us closer together.” Creamy fillings are only attractive in Oreos. The boys on the football team tell impressionable freshmen that. They’re naive and foolish enough to let a guy sleep with them with no glove because they think it will keep him around, from straying, or maybe like them more. Meanwhile, nine months later, there’s a new baby and daddy who wants no part of it.
I can remember the discussions about sex that I had with the woman who gave birth to me. She was a hypocrite. She used to tell me to use condoms and take birth control, when she wasn’t even doing those things at times. She subscribed to the same notion that being fluid bonded–having sex with no barrier methods–meant that she trusted the person. I can understand that mentality in a committed relationship or marriage. I would trust my spouse under those circumstances. In a free for all like some poly dynamics I have seen, there’s no way. I remember my biological mother’s pregnancy scares, and she was in PolyMom’s situation quite a few times. The question of who was the father was raised. Fortunately, she never had any other children.
I wouldn’t put much stock in the trust system because I respect my body and life too much. I don’t want something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to have to worry about outbreaks or being asymptomatic and potentially infecting someone else. Quite a few of these diseases have stigmas attached and some people don’t want to be exposed. That’s their right. I don’t want something that will dictate how I deliver any kids I have in the future. I don’t want something that will cause me to be on medication until the day I die. I don’t want a weakened immune system and for something like pneumonia related complications to take me off of this earth. What am I going to do to prevent it?
When I do start being sexually active, I’m going to use condoms. Do they prevent everything from getting thru? Absolutely not, and I’m not stupid enough to believe that. I’m on birth control now to regulate my menses, and I’m faithful in taking it. I’m in a serious long-term relationship, and if it were to escalate to a physical level, I’d know that I’m taking care of my end of things and protecting myself to the best of my ability. Can I control what another person does? Hell no, but I can control what I do. I’m not in a polyamorous relationship, and I will never be. Nonetheless, there will be no barrier free, “Drunk in Love,” moments like Beyonce was singing about. Even once I’m married, I know that I have goals so barrier free sex may not happen immediately because I need to figure out who I am and what mark I’m going to make on the world before having any babies. As my Nanna says, “Priorities.”
I must admit that I’m a bit curious about what PolyMom will teach her own kids. I would hope that she has no intention of telling them that it’s okay to go barrier free if they trust their boyfriends, girlfriends, and FWBs (friends with benefits.) What if they do that as a teenager, and they decide to be like their mom and dad? I’ve had the pleasure of holding my breath and waiting for the result’s of a friend’s pregnancy test. I’ve had the pleasure of trying to help them figure out which guy could be the baby’s father. It’s sad, and I don’t want to be in that predicament.
I’m not judging Poly Mom. That’s not my place. We all make mistakes and have moments where our judgement isn’t where it should be. She’s still in NRE with her boyfriend and fluid bonding is promoted in some poly settings. I don’t understand the appeal and that might be my age showing. I’m glad she’s not pregnant, but for her sake, her husband’s sake, her metamour’s sake, her childrens’ sakes, and everybody in her life’s sake, I hope she learns from this and changes some things. Babies don’t ask to be born, and it would be pretty jacked up for a kid to learn that, “Daddy never wanted me and he wanted my mommy to abort me to protect his marriage and good thing.” I speak from experience. My biological mother never wanted me, and it messed me up. I see a lot of years in therapy in my future. I hope that she realizes that her children are going to look at her behavior one day and call her out on the hypocrisy. I’m doing the same thing to my biological parents. If you don’t want another baby and don’t want any type of diseases or infections, cover the bases and handle business like an adult, wife, and most importantly, mother of impressionable children should.