Polyamorous Mom: The Only People Who ‘Get’ My Life Are Other Kinky People

swingers tumblr If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last thirty some odd years it’s that friendships are difficult to find and keep.  They take time, patience and nurturing that doesn’t always come easily.  I’ve had my share of good and bad friendships over the years, some long and some fleeting, but none as telling as the ones I made when coming to terms with myself.  Since realizing I wanted to be polyamorous, my life has been affected in many ways, but the realm of friendship is one that has been abundant with rewards.  I have found that the more we find our true selves, the more we find out who our true friends are.

In college, I was always the wild one: always good for a laugh, or perhaps to flash someone.  I had the bawdiest stories, the mouth of a sailor and an abundance of male friends.  In those younger years, I stuck with my role of just being a little edgy for my friends, overly open and charismatic.  As I got older and became a mother, I tried a lot of different routes to friendship.  I tried to tell myself that I needed to settle down and fit in.  My spouse and I tried church, and I felt uncomfortable.  I tried to befriend women at work and found them a little quiet and boring.  What really opened the door to wonderful friendships for me, was discovering polyamory.

Since coming out as polyamorous to a number of my friends, I’ve had a number of reactions. Some stop talking to me so much, some avoid the subject of relationships, and some will discuss it but with a hint of not understanding or disapproval.  I’ve found the people I can feel the most like myself around are other people like me.  I’d imagine it is this way for lots of people, homosexual, or devoutly religious or living an alternative lifestyle feel.  Whatever it is that drives you, you find a place of understanding and one hundred percent acceptance with people who have the same core.

I’ve found recently that my being poly also fits with my outgoing and free speaking personality and works well with the friends I’ve made.  Recently, I attended a ”ladies’ night party” where women sit about drinking and being sold lotions, potions and toys to rev up their sex life.  Being a big fan of all things sex related, I thought it would be a good time.  Quite honestly, I was flat out bored.  The person I was able to bond with over this afterwards was a friend of mine I recently found out is a swinger.

”Do people really need all these lotions and stuff to get in the mood?” I asked

”I sat there feeling a bit of a freak that my tastes are much kinkier than the people around me. Never mind mentioning having multiple partners”¦” I lamented.

”I hear you, been in that situation before!” She replied.  Then went on to give me tips on the best shops for certain accessories I was interested in.

Now I’m not saying monogamous people can’t be kinky, I’m sure they are, but my bonding with other non-monogamous people is what helped me find friends into the same thing as me.  It brought me conversation I might have not otherwise had, and greatly enjoy.  Frankly, I like talking about sex. How much people are having, what they’re doing, and things they’d like to try. The friends I discuss these things with now in a free and uninhibited manner are my non-monogamous friends.

My closest friends right now are the husband of another poly couple, and my swinger friend Lynn.  They both ask details about my love and sex life, and share their own.  Lynn will message me one night and mention Tony, her spouse, has just left on a date.

”He better not be back within the hour!” she writes.

”I hope it goes well!” I respond ”BF and I are sitting around in bathrobes.”

”You should be naked!” She quips back.

It isn’t all sex, though I love the topic, but a sense of deep camaraderie.   Man, to be able to just express yourself and your life without someone judging or not understanding, that is true friendship.  The ease at which I can say ”my boyfriend” or ”leather wrists cuffs” makes me feel all warm inside.  I still maintain friendships with older friends, from high school and college but they have become more the ”fringe” group of friends.  The fringe friends ask about my kids and the latest PTO meeting and share their parenting stories, our old memories, and invite me to their weddings.  I still value these friendships, but in a way I’ve out grown them.  I’ve discovered while I am a mother, I just don’t really like discussing little league that much.  While I do knit, I don’t really want to go into a dissertation on it.

Not only do I not really want to talk about sports and crafts all the time, I want to be able to speak my mind and be heard.  One of my friends that remains close and is in a monogamous relationship  is both a lesbian and a pastor.  While some people might consider both aspects of her life an ”˜alternate’ lifestyle, it doesn’t bring us any closer eye to eye on my being poly.  She will listen to me, and be polite, but she’ll also say things like:

”I’ll officiate a 20 year renewal of your vows if you two can make it that long in this lifestyle.”

I know she’s teasing, but I also know she doubts the way I’m living. I wonder if I asked her, if it would turn out her closest friends are other people who relate to her.

What I do want as a 30 something polyamorous woman, wife, and mother is to just be myself.  And if you can’t be yourself with your friends, than who can you?

(Image: Tumblr)

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