(You are looking into the face of literal Satan. Photo: American Girl)

Jesus talked a lot about helping the poor, loving one’s neighbor, welcoming strangers, and things that can and cannot fit through the eyes of needles, but that was all just because he didn’t know that someday a toy company would make a boy doll. If Jesus had known that in 2017, American Girl would come out with an 18″ boy doll, he would have stopped wasting all his time on the poor and homeless and told everyone, “Thou shalt throw giant tantrums about a doll named Logan Everett, because that is some shit up with which God will not put.”

According to ABC News, Reverend Keith Ogden of the Hill Street Baptist Church in Asheville, North Carolina, sent an enraged email to his parishioners last week, warning them that American Girl’s new boy doll–who is a drummer who likes country music–is “KILLING THE MINDS OF MALE BABIES.” (He really did write it all in capital letters.)

Ogden told his flock that Logan Everett is–I shit you not–a trick by Satan.

“The devil wants to kill, steal and destroy the minds of our children and grandchildren by perverting, distorting and twisting (the) truth of who God created them to be,” Ogden wrote.

Normally I do not like to speculate on the sexual predilections of people I have never met, but I have never been as sure of anything in my life as I am sure that Ogden has a sticky copy of “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God” in his nightstand. (As an interesting historical aside, “Sinners” author Jonathan Edwards was the grandfather of Aaron Burr, so in “Hamilton,” when Burr sings that his “grandfather was a fire-and-brimstone preacher,” what he really means is “grandfather was *the* fire-and-brimstone preacher.”)

Keith Ogden’s crazypants email will probably not be taught in high school English classes the way Edwards’ famous screed is, but he stands by his position that a boy doll will “pervert, distort, and twist” the minds of boys and girls across America.

“Now you are going to have little boys playing with baby dolls and that’s not cool,” he said to the Citizen Times. “We need to get back to our old values and morals.”

Nobody tell him that “action figures” are just dolls, OK?