Bad Mom Advice: Your Husband Loves Porn And Your Son Loves Waffles – Most People Enjoy Both!

largeWelcome to my weekly Bad Mom Advice column where I attempt to answer all of your parenting questions as only I know how — with zero degree in early childhood development, but with the experience of raising four kids and not having any of them in prison – yet! Plus, I back all my advice on numerous scientific research, which may or may not include me making fun of your dumb kid behind your back and drinking a bunch of wine! Welcome to Bad Mom Advice!

It’s problems like these that make me question why I procreated in the first place.  Then, I remember I can get Bad Mom Advice, and everything doesn’t seem so soul-crushingly serious anymore. I have an 11 year-old son.  Great kid.  Does his homework.  Gets along famously at school.  No major health issues to report.

He’s stopped eating my cooking.

It’s probably not a personal attack on me.  But cooking the meals is one of the more-significant contributions that I make to my family.  This, combined with the fact that I’m Chinese makes it a cause for concern (it’s been said that we’ll eat anything with four legs that’s not a table). I’ve tried different cuisines, different diets, even making less-healthy dinners (this is really painful).  Dude just wants frozen waffles all day, every day. I know he’s not gonna starve, but I can’t keep indulging him by making two meals at every dinner time.  I’d also like to SEE him at the dinner table instead of finding plates of waffle crumbs under his bed.

Plz help.

Sincerely,

not-letting-go-of-this-damn-Eggo 

First of all, STOP MAKING TWO MEALS. For the love of Betty Crocker, you do not own a waffle house. I see parents do this all the time, they make a perfectly lovely dinner and when their ungrateful, bratty kids won’t eat it they say stuff like “Want me to get you a bowl of cereal?” or “Want me to get you a plate of leftovers?” or “Want me to make you a nice plate of white truffle sushi rice rolled in white truffle shavings with Uni Santa Barbara sea urchin?” or even “Do you want waffles?” You make what you make. They eat what you eat, especially at age 11. Now, sure, if you have kids younger than that I can see busting out the frozen “chicken” nuggets, fries, and carrot sticks for them if you are eating something over-the-top spicy or something that won’t be appreciated by a toddler (Like Creme Brûlee, because like do you really wanna waste that on a four-year-old?) but at your son’s age he is old enough to eat whatever you serve him. Period. Let him put items that you have prepared on his own plate. He doesn’t have to eat a huge amount, but he has to eat what he takes. Remind him of this. And when he finishes dinner if he still wants his beloved waffles he can have those for dessert. And don’t let him eat in his room! If he continues to sneak food to his room, wait until a hot summer day and steal a sticky plate from under his bed. Let it fester in your hot garage for a few days and invite all sort of new “friends.” Stick it back under his bed. When he comes home from school go up to his room and casually say “Hey, can you make sure you don’t have any dishes up here? I want to start the dishwasher.” Wait until he finds the insect and maggot farm he is harvesting under his box spring and then make him take it to the kitchen and wash it. And then say “THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LEAVE PLATES UNDER YOUR BED!” Will it traumatize him? Yes. Will he continue eating in his room? No. Gosh, I’m mean. Good luck Waffle-dad!

We have a 4 month old baby, this is our first. She is sleeping through the night more, I’m starting to feel more like “me” and my husband and I have stopped arguing over who has to change the next diaper. Our issue is sex. He is never in the mood for sex. A few days ago I found out he has been staying up late and using the family desktop to watch porn movies and visit porn websites. He wasn’t embarrassed about it and I told him I would rather he have sex with me than watching other people have sex. I have tried sending him dirty text messages and bought new lingerie and even having my parents watch the baby so we can go out for dinner and have couple time.   We read this column but we never comment. I told him I would read him what you say. Please help!!

Dear Husband:

Have sex with your wife. She wants to have sex with you. You obviously find her attractive because you put your penis inside of her vagina and she had a baby so have sex with her.

Dear Wife:

ALL men love porn. If they say they don’t love porn, they are liars. Nothing should scare you more than a man who says he doesn’t love porn because he is a liar and if he doesn’t love porn than he is obviously a serial killer and is using his collection of hunting knives and David Fincher movies as pornography. Sure, not all men love the same “types” of porn, some men love dirty secretary movies and some men love girl-next-door amateur movies but they all love naked people and they all love naked people doing naked things together and this is no reflection on you or how attractive you are or whether or not he wants to have sex with you. Repeat after me: His porn viewing has NOTHING to do with you.

Dear Husband:

Your wife will probably watch porn with you. Don’t get any movies that feature women who are vastly different from her. For the love of Bambi Woods, don’t get any movies entitled “Fresh Faced Virgins” or “Barely 18.” These movies offend all adult women. She just had a baby, and she is probably older than 18. Those porno movies are creepy. Get something couple-friendly, that doesn’t feature anyone vastly different than the woman sitting next to you. No woman wants to watch her husband getting all glassy-eyed over “Big Busted Betties” when she is an “A” cup. Save your porno that will make your wife insecure for your own personal-porno-purveying time.

Dear Wife:

Your husband is not watching porn because he finds something lacking in his relationship with you. He is watching porn because it’s porn. Men are very visual people, and they like watching porn.

Dear Husband:

If you are watching porn because you no longer find your wife attractive or you are stressed over having a new baby than you made need marriage counseling. If you are watching porn because your wife seems tired or stressed over being a new mom than the quickest way to put some oh-la-la back in your marriage is to not be an asshole. Seriously. You know what women like? We like when our husband send us texts. We like when they call us and say “Hey, am stopping on the way home and picking up dinner so you don’t have to cook tonight.” We like when you come home, hand us a new bottle of fancy shower gel, and you tell us to take a bath and relax while you get the baby to bed. NOTHING is sexier to a new mom than a husband who is active in taking care of the children.

Both of you:

Find some couple’s friendly movies you can both enjoy together and get back to being a couple. You may be parents now, but the best thing you can do for your kids is to have a strong, healthy, happy marriage. Good luck!

Need some Bad Mom Advice? Hit me up in the comments or contact me below! You can remain anonymous if you wish (Most advice-needers are!) and if I can’t help you with your problem, I promise to refund all the money back that you didn’t pay me!

 

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