Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 1.01.03 PMTechnology is great; I am all for new advances that will make my life easier (I’m going to be first in line for a robot butler). But there’s a slippery slope between “I don’t know how I ever lived without it” and “No, Susan, you don’t need a jet pack.” A new Bluetooth pacifier called the Pacif-i falls firmly into the second category.

An article at Time.com called “This Gadget May Change Parenting Forever” (subtitle: “for the mentally impaired”) shares with us the wonder that is the new Pacif-i Smart Pacifier by a company called Blue Maestro.

Okay, you’re thinking. I like the idea of a pacifier with an antenna. But what does it do? Well, hold on to your knickers, because this pacifier does four different things.

1. It’s a pacifier.

Perfect.

2. It will take your baby’s temperature and record it over time in a graph that can be sent to your smartphone.

Excellent. Why own a pacifier and a thermometer when you can own them both in one?! (Note: the Pacif-i should not be used as a rectal thermometer.)

Now you will always know your baby’s temperature, whether you want to or not. You’re sure to get admiring looks at the office when your phone beeps and you say, “Looks like little Lucy is holding steady at 97 degrees. What’s that? Oh, just my kids’ pacifier, telling me what her temperature is. No, she’s not sick. But I’ll know the minute she is, goddamn it. Well, so long as the pacifier is in her mouth, I mean. Yes, I suppose it might make more sense just to take her temperature. You know what, Jim? You’re fired.”

3. It can record when you administer medication and set up a reminder for the next dose.

Because writing things down is for assholes.

4. It will find your baby. Or at least his pacifier.

Oh, yeah. That’s right. From the Blue Maestro website:

Pacif-i also features an in-built proximity sensor that allows parents to monitor the pacifier’s location and so be alerted when their child wanders off. Within the app, parents can set the distance, up to a range of 20 metres

[65 feet]

, for the alarm to be triggered when this is breached.

 

The pacifier also features a buzzer alarm that can be activated via the smartphone when it has been misplaced or hidden by a child.

I have to admit, this does raise a few questions for me. First of all, if we’re assuming you have a very young child, how does your baby get 65 feet away from you without your knowing it? If this is a concern of yours, then by all means, you should buy this product immediately.

Second, there’s a difference between locating a pacifier and locating a child. If I were a slightly older child who was planning my escape, I would just chuck that thing into the woods and then take off in the other direction. I can picture it now — a cop comes across your child’s Pacif-i in the bushes, touches the tip and says,”Hm. Still wet. He was here a minute ago.”

Now, I know that there are a lot of parents for whom a pacifier locator is a dream come true, but let’s not get it confused with some sort of tracking device for children. Unless, of course, you’re pinning your kid’s pacifier to their clothes, in which case you don’t need a pacifier locator and should really just keep an eye on your kid. Not for nothing.

Listen, you guys. We don’t need a special thermometer just for our kid’s bathtub to tell us if the water is too hot (pro tip: touch the water with your human hand.) And we don’t need a pacifier with Bluetooth.

On the other hand, if this can instead be attached to a lovie and used as a lovie tracking device, then I am all in.

(Photo: Blue Maestro.com)