For the last six years I’ve done Thanksgiving dinners of various sizes. Our 2008 dinner was the biggest; we had a huge dinner with all of our friends ( seven adults, five kids, two small turkeys, a ham and one turkey neck that my husband did unspeakable things to). 2011 was the smallest, with just us, one turkey and a six pack of cheap malt liquor (don’t ask). But this years we’re done. We’re gonna head to my mom’s house, drink her wine and eat her food. And it will be glorious.
Don’t get me wrong. I thoroughly enjoy doing Thanksgiving. It’s great. I make a mean turkey, my stuffing is from scratch, and my cranberry sauce could beat up your cranberry sauce. But that shiz is exhausting. Below are some of the many, many reasons we’re not doing Thanksgiving this year. Spoiler alert – they’re mostly about booze.
8. Last Year’s Thanksgiving Almost Killed Me
Not literally, of course. But last year was one of the most stressful holidays ever. Hurricane Sandy had ravaged my neighborhood less than six week prior, and we literally got our electricity back the night before, which was great since we had been relying on a generator. With all the stress and drama of the previous weeks, last year’s Thanksgiving felt like a triumph…but it wiped me out.
9. Guilt-free Drunkeness
It will be nice to kick back, relax and get super-holiday-drunk while someone else worries about the turkey. No more worries about forgetting to baste the turkey, or turn off the toaster oven. NOPE. I can get as drunk as I want and it won’t be my responsibility to keep the house from burning down.
7. Cleaning Up Sucks
The only thing more stressful than cooking a Thanksgiving spread is cleaning up one. Of course, my husband and I will help do the dishes, but we all know that the bulk of the cleaning occurs the day after Thanksgiving, when you’re battling food coma and a hangover and probably vomiting hourly. I will be able to spend that sacred time on the couch, watching the black Friday crowds beat the hell out of each other on television. As it should be.
6. Leftovers, oh the leftovers
The only thing that tastes better than a Thanksgiving sandwich is a Thanksgiving sandwich that you didn’t have any part in creating. After I spend two hours throwing up in my own toilet (like a civilized person) I can bask in the glory that is a Thanksgiving sandwich and then return to my tryptophan-laden sleep for another eight.
5. My House is TINY
This is my livingroom/dining room. And yes, that tiny little alcove is my kitchen. All of it. This is NYC living at its finest. Obviously my regular kitchen table is much smaller than this, and we still had a rip-roaring good time, but when all 10 adults and four children were in attendance, it was cramped. It will be nice to actually sit down and not accidentally sit on a toddler this year.
4. My Poor Cats
Thanksgiving is a trying time for my cats. There are just so many distractions and temptations. While I have yet to actually lose any turkey to them (besides the turkey I willingly give up), it’s a constant worry. Not this year though! Don’t worry, I’ll steal them a Thanksgiving sammie or two, because they’re worth it.
3. PRe-Thanksgiving Festivities
Every bar in my neighborhood holds fun-tastic, drunk-tastic pre-Thanksgiving festivities. They are awesome. My husband and I haven’t been able to partake in these activities in years, because we were too busy making turkeys and safeguarding our food from an army of cats. This year we will be able to get a sitter, and get our drank on with no worries except not being too hungover to eat the next day. YAY! (Yes, a lot of these are about booze. Don’t judge me)
2. No Thanksgiving Food Shopping
The only thing worse than regular food shopping is HOLIDAY food shopping. The crowds. The stress. The money. Yuck. This year the only thing I’ll be shopping for are some sides and booze. ALL the booze.
1. My Mom’s Cocktails
I know, I know, A LOT of these have been about booze, but whatevs. YOLO. Obviously I’m kidding, only d-bags and teenagers say yolo. Seriously though, my mom’s cocktails are off the chain, and I plan on consuming more than any one person should. Thankfully I won’t be driving, so bring on the liquor, mom! #Klassy