No One’s Prepared For Parenthood And You Can Blame Liars On Social Media That Make It Look Easy”

new baby

It would seem that most new parents think they are prepared for their new baby. They’ve gone to the childbirth classes, they’ve read the books, they’ve done more internet research than a college student writing their senior thesis. They are ready for anything and feeling quite smug. I was one of those new parents seven short years ago and I remember having my ass handed to me by my darling, new daughter the very first night she was home. Were those noises she was making normal? Should she sleep that long? Should her poop be totally liquid? Should I be feeling this tired and helpless? I had so many questions and suddenly, none of that obsessive research meant anything. There is a steep learning curve when you become a parent and a new study suggests that despite the wealth of information available, no one’s prepared for parenthood. I have my own theories as to why that is but let’s look at the study first.

A study detailed by The Washington Post shows just how unprepared parents from all types of backgrounds (single parent, same-sex parents, adoptive, surrogate, IVF, etc.) are for when their new baby comes home. The article notes the fact that Americans are waiting longer and longer to start families and overall, are having fewer children. This means that new parents have probably not had the exposure to babies and small children via their friends and family the way that they may have a few decades ago. This lack of hands-on experience definitely makes a difference in the way new parents handle their baby. It also means their expectations are based only on their research and not on seeing things first-hand:

Most parents we interviewed described having ”unrealistic” expectations about baby behavior, particularly in relation to crying, sleep patterns and feeding.

As Susanne, a mother in a same-sex relationship, said:

 

”¦ I thought my baby would come with me to the cafe and I’d sit there and stare lovingly into her eyes and people would say, ”Oh, she’s gorgeous,” and I’d be like, ”Motherhood’s wonderful” ”¦ And yeah, she’d cry a bit at night and I might be a bit tired but my life would essentially be the same with a baby. No. The reality was I didn’t know who I was anymore.

 

Some parents talked about self-imposing standards that were ”too high.” And a few mothers believed this contributed to their experiences of postnatal depression. Melanie, a mother of one who experienced postnatal depression, said trying to ”do everything perfectly” had exhausted her and made bonding with her baby difficult.

I can absolutely understand what these mothers are talking about. I will go out on a limb and say that despite having more baby gear and paraphernalia than any prior generation (and more access to information via the internet) that we are the most lost in regards to being parents and how confident we are with our parenting. Everywhere we turn, there is contradictory information. The internet, our pediatrician, our friends and our own mothers all have differing advice about our new babies and what are we supposed to do with that? No matter what we do, there is a source that will tell us we are wrong.

I agree with this study but aside from all of that, my own experience tells me that we have social media, which colors our perceptions in all areas with parenthood standing out in particular. Why did Susanne picture a peaceful coffee shop outing where she and her baby would be admired? Because that is probably the kind of thing that fills her Facebook feed every day and therefore, was what she ended up expecting for her own parenthood experience. People only post what they want the world to see- that perfect outing to the zoo without a tantrum in sight, the pretty kitchen with the lovely little cookies baked with their toddler (leaving out the photo of the toddler dumping the first bowl of batter all over the floor), a sweet story-time before bed (without documentation of the kid refusing to put on their pajamas and throwing a book at the wall). When all new parents see are the Instagrammed version of parenting (literally through a filter) how are they expected to be prepared for the very real frustrations and question marks of having their first baby? How are they supposed to feel normal and like they are doing it right when their reality looks so very different from what they see conveyed by other parents?

You may be asking yourself, as an experienced parent, what can I do to help? Well, the answer is simple: don’t lie and keep talking about the realities of parenting. Even if a pregnant woman seems annoyed by your stories, still tell them. Don’t be smug and don’t be obnoxious about it but a gentle “I just want to prepare you…because no one prepared me” might be appreciated down the line. If new mothers are ending up depressed when hit by the realities of parenting then maybe we should make those realities the norm instead of the edited Facebook perfection most new parents are exposed to. Let’s all just be real, for everyone’s sake.

(Image: vita khorzhevska/Shutterstock)

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