Blogger Wants You To Cover Up Your Boobs Because Her Husband Has A Penis For A Brain

I just read an amazing blog posted entitled My Husband Doesn’t Need To See Your Boobs via one of my friends and it has to be the most bizarre screeds against women, what women wear, modesty and this lady’s insecurity about her own marriage that I have ever read. Some choice excerpts?

Anyways, what I’m saying is I don’t fault you. I don’t blame you for being confident enough to let the world see how good you look in front of the waves with your coozie and ballcap and barely anything else.

But I want to tell you that it’s a stumbling block in our marriage.

 

So what other people post on social media is a stumbling block in this lady’s marriage? Her husband seeing half naked chicks on Facebook is messing up her marriage?

I doubt my husband is so lucky. Actually, I know it’s next to impossible to take in images like those and erase them from his mind. Because our men are much less emotional and are much more visual. And as quickly as I can forget your picture, it is filed away in his mind, ready to be pulled back out whenever he so chooses.

I’m pretty sure the only solution in this entire shitshow is for her to blind her husband. Just get out a spoon, scoop out his eyes, and be done with it. That makes more sense than her trying to police the world and women and dictate what they can wear and what they can post on social media all because her husband may file it away in his spank bank for future purposes.

Again, I am not faulting you. And by no means am I faulting him. This man of mine diverts his eyes from whatever questionable images flash on the screen before him. But sometimes the temptation is too much.

After Memorial Day, I noticed so much skin on social media that I half-yelled a warning to him as I ran out the door one morning. It’s summertime, honey! Beware the beach pics and half nude girls on Instagram! And like that, he was in solitary confinement from all virtual community for the next two days.

Protecting his eyes, protecting his heart.

This woman sounds like a treasure to have as a partner. She should probably cancel her cable subscription and toss out any food products in her home that contain images of women on the boxes and possibly ban him from seeing any Cathy cartoons in the future because Cathy is a woman and sometimes she tries on a bathing suit and OH SHIT BONER TIME:

 

 

When your bare shoulders and stretchmark-less bellies and tanned legs pop up, I not only worry if my husband will linger over your picture. I worry how he will compare me to you.

As I wrap myself into his arms at night, I wonder if he is seeing you there instead of my mess of a body left over from pregnancy. I wonder if he thinks I’m lazy and that I don’t take good care of myself. I wonder if he wishes I looked more like you than who I really am.

 

UGH LADY, I DOUBT YOUR HUSBAND THINKS ANY OF THESE THINGS. He is probably thinking stuff like “I wish my wife would stop treating me like some dickhead incapable of not sexualizing every woman I see” and “Why is my wife portraying me like I’m some drooling hormone-riddled weirdo on her blog?” For my counterpoint, I would like to say this: Show my husband your boobs. Better yet, drop trou and shove your vagina in his face because he REALLY needs to see it and to be honest with you, I’m that secure in my marriage and my relationship where if seeing another woman’s bidness is going to make my (amazingly smart, kind, feminist, loving, faithful) husband turn into some bizarre live action version of a Tex Avery wolf than so be it.

Men like seeing attractive people. Women like seeing attractive people. It doesn’t mean they love you less or find your body unappealing or want to screw anyone else or are slobbering over your mutual friend’s bikini Facebook pic, and even if they are, it isn’t like they are going to tell you they are, or they will leave you, or they will even fantasize about that person or ogle them or anything. Towards the end of her post, she states:

And then the insecurity monster comes back to bite at our relationship again”¦me, begging for affirmation, and him tiring from saying the same thing over and over.

 

And that is a way bigger problem than trying to police what the women wear. I think she would have a lot more luck not being some sort of modesty police than driving her husband bonkers with her weird insecurities. Women have boobs. Men see women’s boobs. That is no way means that every dude out there is sexualizing them. The only time I worry about this is when I see my younger relatives posting scantily-clad snaps on social media because I worry about either creepy dudes stealing their pics or older dudes drooling over them, but I would never expect the women to change how they dress or what they post. It should be on the men not to act all creepy when encountering these images. So maybe her blog post should be called If My Husband Sees Boobs He Acts Like A Total Perv, You Have Been Warned.

Or else she should just blind him.

(Image:  Catalin Petolea/shutterstock)