I don’t know about you ladies, but my 30’s have taken my PMS symptoms to whole other ungodly levels of ridiculous. Hello, hormones! I am a lunatic the days leading up to Aunt Flo’s arrival. I go from depressed to teary to rageful all in the blink of an eye, much to the delight of my husband and children. During these tumultuous times, I find myself desperate for someone to relate to my roller-coaster of moods. Since no real-life human women seem as afflicted, I have to turn to fictional characters with the same traits I espouse during those magical five days every month:
1. The Evil Queen
She’s always been my spirit animal (check my avi in the comments) and I relate to her most when I’m riding the crimson wave. I’m never more fed up with pretty, young Snow White types than when I’m zitty, bloated and swapping out tampons every other hour. If I could give some hot chick a poison apple it might soothe the savage bitch inside of me. For at least a little while.
2. Jabba The Hutt
FEED ME ALL THE THINGS. Enough said.
I need a PMS coin like Two-Face so I can decide if I’m going to act in a benevolent fashion or tear someone’s head clean off. It’s too much responsibility to make these choices on my own when I’m an emotional wreck. Best to leave it to total chance.
4. Miranda Priestly
I’m never less patient than when my PMS is raging. And no one is less patient than Miranda Priestly waiting for The Book. Or anything, really. I feel you, Miranda. More than you know.
5. The Incredible Hulk
We may not turn green but an all-consuming rage that causes our pants to split open is not really far from the truth.
6. Galactus, Devourer Of Worlds
Galactus lives by draining living planets of their energy. Sounds pretty much like how we struggle to survive while exhausted by cramps and massive blood loss, amirite?! We get you, Galactus. No judgment here.
7. Cersei Lannister
The queen of Resting Bitch Face, Cersei is basically my role model in life overall but never more so than when I’m PMSing. I relate to her ever-present scowl and obviously, ever-present glass of wine. What better way to numb the cramps?
8. Veruca Salt
“Don’t care how, I want it now!” Yup, that about sums it up when the PMS is causing you to crave pretty much anything.
9. Regina George
Is butter a carb one week out of every month, yes or hell yes? And obviously these sweat pants are ALL that fit right now so just GTFO with your judging, Plastics.
10. Joan Crawford
Let the wire hangers serve as a metaphor for all the picky things that piss you off around the house when you are PMSing. Someone load the dishwasher wrong? Did the kids leave their shit laying all over the floor? Joan understands you and sympathizes. Just don’t try those eyebrows, ok?