(Instagram / habe_mccoy)

One brave mother took to Instagram to get real about one of the many challenges she is facing after her miscarriage; her body. Jessica McCoy was six months pregnant when she suffered a miscarriage and lost her baby girl. In her lengthy Instagram post she shared feelings that many mothers who have suffered miscarriage. “I am 20 lbs heavier and two sizes bigger than I was pre-pregnancy. And I am not okay with my body.” She confessed. During her pregnancy she gained fifteen pounds which she was glad to do, and gained additional weight during the emotional aftermath of her miscarriage.

But the weight gain during the pregnancy wasn’t an issue because of course, it was for her beloved baby girl. “I think I would’ve been okay if Evie was here, although she would’ve likely still been cooking inside me. The fact that I am bigger than I normally am and don’t have my baby makes it harder.” We often think about the emotional toll that miscarriage takes on women but seldom talk about the physical toll. Being constantly confronted with the body you had while growing your child who is no longer here only adds to those already fraught emotions.In McCoy’s picture, you can only see her body, you can’t even see her face. “And every day I’m reminded that I grew my baby for six months and she died. It really is a constant reminder to me.”

McCoy has confronted her discomfort with her postpartum body with the birth of her son Brennan. While she didn’t love the changes made to her body, it was much easier to accept because in the end she had her son. “I was uncomfortable in my larger body, but it grew my beautiful little man and how could I be upset with it when I looked at him?” He was something tangible that she could hold and show for the changes she had put her body through. Because of the miscarriage, she didn’t have her tangible thing to show and that was breaking her heart. “I don’t have love for my body. I am angry at it right now. I can’t be body positive right now. It’s too hard and it hurts too much.”

She says that she believes that her hormones are one of the biggest reasons she is having trouble losing the postpartum baby weight, but that she is going to be enlisting the help of a friend who is a personal trainer. She hopes that this will begin to help her to get back to a better place, emotionally and physically.