harryA mom going by the name “proudhousewife” on FanFiction.net is rewriting the Harry Potter books so that they’re all about Christianity. “Do you want your little ones to read books; and they want to read the Harry Potter Books; but you do not want them to turn into witches?,” reads her bio. “Well-this is the story for you!” I guess those of us who DO want our kids to turn into witches should just kept reading the regular old Potter books and hope for the best.

Her story, Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, is indeed for you if you like scintillating, creationist-filled dialogue like this:

“What is a Christian?” Harry queried innocently; and scuffed his shoe on the shaggy, yellow carpet which had not been vacuumed in quite some time.

“Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!