All The Things In My House That Someone Really Needs To Put Away

Because Lord knows I’m not going to do it.

1. Incredibly phallic rocket-ship costume.

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  • Time in current location: 2 weeks.
  • Where it goes: In Halloween costume bin in attic.
  • Notes: Was compelled to dig out of attic because theme of 6-year-old’s summer camp week was holidays. Was mania of celebrations without agony of anticipation. Monday was Thanksgiving, Tuesday was Valentine’s Day, Wednesday was Halloween. Am told he was deeply committed to wearing 3T rocket ship costume that is supposed to come to knees but now only goes to waist. Removed only for swimming. Seemed adorable until I contemplated attempting to reenter sweltering attic to put it away. Was reminded of how entering attic always triggers deep sense of shame. Have such clear vision of attic’s potential and am seemingly powerless to execute it. Son loves to give tours of house and consistently ignores instructions to skip attic. What is point of frantically throwing all clutter in attic when guests come over only to have son expose lie?

2. One pair of husband’s dirty brown socks.

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  • Time in current location: Several weeks.
  • Where it goes: Husband’s laundry basket.
  • Notes: Husband removed while sitting on couch and abandoned in middle of living room floor. I passive-aggressively relocated them to stairs so he would take them all the way up and place in laundry basket. If I said something he would apologize and put them where they belong immediately. But then I would probably point out that they’ve been sitting there for weeks and are clearly his socks. Was he born without ability to see brown socks? Is this obscure form of colorblindness? Am so funny! Does he realize how lucky he is to have married hilarious woman like me?

3. Wire sheathed in Styrofoam with wedge of hole-y Styrofoam cheese (or bell?) attached.

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  • Time in current location: 1 week.
  • Where it goes: New home of son’s best friend.
  • Notes: Inadvertently allowed son to leave family dinner at best friend’s house wearing this as necklace. Do not understand what it is or why it exists but sons like to whip each other with it so I grabbed it and put out of reach on top of cookbooks. Have too many cookbooks. Son’s best friend is moving next week (only down street, phew!). There is no way best friend’s mom wants this back, and yet seems presumptuous to throw away. So will bring to new house and she will curse me for immediately ruining new house by returning this item.

4. Two shoeboxes

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  • Time in current location: 4 weeks.
  • Where it goes: Attic.
  • Notes: Why do I need to bring these into attic, triggering shame, etc? Because although I can think of no specific purpose for them, once my mother spied a shoebox in my recycling bin, pulled it out, shook it at me, and said, ”You never throw these away. You can put things in them.” Mother has entire bookcase filled with empty shoeboxes in perfectly organized and spacious attic. Maybe someday I will, too.

5. Decoupage mirrors made by me and two sons on family vacation at family craft activity with mother-in-law.

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  • Time in current location: 6 weeks.
  • Where it goes: ?$%@!
  • Notes: I do not enjoy crafts but went to this event at wholesome family resort at mother-in-law’s request. Dug through boxes for perfect bits of craft paper. Shared one pair of scissors among six people even though scissor distribution was extremely unfair and some people had own dedicated scissors. Considered saying something but said nothing and silently fumed instead. Angrily applied squares to mirror with glue stick. Entered flow state in which all that mattered was symmetry and alignment. Children wanted to go but I was not done with masterpiece. Thought there would be shellac at end for permanency, but no. Is clearly just paper adhered with glue stick. Husband suggested we throw them in dumpster on last day of vacation. Horrified by callous suggestion while also understanding it was correct thing to do. Will never hang these up. Children have long since forgotten them.

6. $300 worth of unflattering clothing ordered online.

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  • Time in current location: A month.
  • Where it goes: In bag, which goes into car, which goes to mall.
  • Notes: Hats did not look cute on me. Did not wear hats to beach. Did not look fetching or carefree or charming as my sun-streaked hair waved out from beneath these hats. Did not return un-cute hats, ill-fitting dresses, or wedgie-inducing bathing suits before next billing cycle began.

7. Aller-fex, 150 count.

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    • Time in current location: 2 weeks.
    • Where it goes: On shelf in bathroom with ibuprofen.
    • Notes: Took life-changing step of joining Costco last month. Invested in long future of eating Raisin Bran, drinking mediocre coffee, and suffering from seasonal allergies. Put away food but only made it as far as stairs with Aller-fex and have walked by it several times each day since. Know exactly where it goes and it is not attic. Journey of a thousand miles etc. Oh, sh*t. Look at that. Am bending over. Curling hand around bottle. Ignoring all other chaos on stairs. Walking up stairs. Am in zone! Only feeling better than the decoupage flow state is putting this bottle exactly where it f*cking belongs! No2 I can start each day putting in contacts and defeating body’s attempts to defeat itself!

(photos: Author’s own)

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