Back To School: A Guide To All Of The Friends Your Child Will Make This Year
Hell isn’t other people. It’s other people’s kids. It’s not that I have anything against kids in general, it’s just that dealing with the children of others is a major challenge. Whenever we have a child that I’m not related to over to our house, I’m often perplexed by them.
Am I allowed to yell at them? Give them food? How pissed will the parents be if I accidentally drop an f bomb and their kid hears it? For years I was pretty much insulated; we rarely had other kids over that were not accompanied by their parents. Once my daughter started school and made a bunch of friends, I was exposed to a whole bunch of little people that weren’t mine, and you likely will too.
1. The Really Quiet One
This kid is usually sweet and well behaved, but you can’t hear a damn thing they say. If they come over, they might murmur something at you. If you ask them to repeat it, they will turn very red and murmur it even more softly.
2. The Really Obnoxious One
You begin to realize that you wasted your time teaching your kid to not suck pretty quickly after meeting obnoxious kid. She doesn’t mind telling you that you’re fat and have bad hair, and has only two volume settings; loud and earsplitting. Their obnoxiousness is incredibly contagious and suddenly your child will start whining a lot and making fart jokes at dinner. Obnoxious Kid’s parents usually ignore Obnoxious Kid’s obnoxiousness, unless they find it hilarious and encourage it instead.
3. The One Whose Name You Can’t Remember
This kid is perfectly nice, but you can’t remember their name for the life of you. You know their name has five “y”s in it but no other vowels, and once you finally remember it you will almost certainly pronounce it wrong.
4. The Rich Kid
This kid has lots of stuff, and wants to know why your kid doesn’t have all of the same stuff. She doesn’t understand why everyone doesn’t have six American Girl dolls, and asks your child if your family is poor.
5. Allergies Kid
Poor allergies kid. The only thing they can have at your house is water and celery.
6. The Kid Who Invites Themselves Over
This kid will usually accost you at pick up, demanding to come over. Sometimes their parent stands a few paces back, shrugging helplessly while you crush everyone’s dreams.
7. The Room Mother’s Kid
The room mother’s child is well coiffed and has great handwriting. He’s allowed to come over, but only after the Room Mother does a full sweep of your house first and hands you a list of ways to make your space suitable for her child.
8. The Bully
This kid has focused a laser beam of epic shittiness on your kid and won’t let up. You will know which one this is by the first day.
9. The Kid Who “Borrows” All Of Your Kid’s Stuff
Your kid will come home without a lunch box or show and tell object and inform you that they “lent” it to the same child as last time. You will never see these things again. You will consider buying lojack after you’ve purchased your fifth thermos in as many weeks.
10. The Really Religious Kid
Really Religious Kid wants your child to come to AWANA. Really Religious Kid isn’t allowed to watch My Little Pony. Really Religious Kid will end up telling your kid exactly where they’ll be going after they die, and then you won’t see too much more of Really Religious Kid after that.
11. The Bored One
You could have a full on carnival in your backyard complete with fire eaters and actual baby unicorns and this kid would still be bored out of their mind. The entire time they are at your home they will whine to go home, until their parents get there. Then, your house is the most fascinating place they’ve ever been to.
12. The Best Friend
You’re stuck with this one, and they could fall into really any of the above categories, or a mixture of a few. You might as well get used to it because they are terribly difficult to shake.
(Image: Andresr/Shutterstock)
