Tabloids Have Decided That Jennifer Aniston Is Pregnant Again

The rags must be faced with a sudden slump in sales because according to US Weekly our poor, oft beleaguered Jennifer Aniston is finally PREGGERS! They really mean it this time too, not like the other 1476 times they said it.

Here we go again:

Here’s the thing with the celebrity magazines and their infamous pregnancy rumors. It’s like that part of the South Park Movie where Saddam Hussein swears to Satan that he’ll change. They obviously never say they were wrong before and have changed their tune, but what else are we, as readers, supposed to think? It’s almost implied that, since they’re saying it AGAIN, that this time will be different. THIS time the magical Aniston-baby will appear! The whole “Aniston is pregnant” (or Angelina Jolie, or whatever other celeb is in their crosshairs) has become a seasonal thing for them, and Us Weekly is the worst offender.

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But, it’s worth noting that Us Weekly isn’t the only shitastic tabloid to spew these pregnancy related shenanigans. It seems every celebrity obsessed site, both in print and online, has gotten into the action. Here’s a quote from  Hollywoodlife.com:

Jen, 44, is reportedly expecting her first baby, but she’s not jumping to announce her news. She is reportedly waiting to announce the news until she has passed those crucial first months.

”She is scared of having a miscarriage, given her age, so they are not saying anything until she is six months along,” an insider told Us Weekly.

Justin, 42, and Jen are happy in love and are thrilled for their news. ”They’re extremely happy. This is the baby Jen always wanted,” the source said.

Who is this “source” they keep telling us about in legit every tabloid? Are they separate people, or is it one dude going around all ninja-like, spying on celebrities James Bond-style? Here’s a quote from Perez Hilton:

The actress is 44-years-old, but that’s about the same age as Gwen Stefani and she seems to be doing fine! Don’t worry Jen, we can feel that it’s your time! Enjoy every moment!

Thanks, Perez, for not letting us forget that Aniston is AN OLD. Can’t let them OLDS think they’re people now, can we?

So let’s all gear up for “bump watches” and “post-baby body” regimes. Nary a mention of of her accomplishments outside of the delivery room (unless it’s to praise her “beach bodies”). Does anyone else find this disconnect from the actual person disturbing?

Next season there will be another pregnancy alert, and probably another one the season after that, until she either pops out a kid, adopts or hits menopause. And hell, it will probably go on after that. Because regardless of your talent, net worth or body of work, the tabloids care about one thing and one thing only when it comes to Hollywood actresses: their bodies and what they do with them.