A Toddler’s Rider Would Put Jack White’s To Shame
Here’s a little something from his open letter, courtesy of The Huffington Post:
first off, this is none of your business, but i have no specific demands in my dressing room. i know i could ask for lots of things but i actually don’t ask for ANYTHING. i take with me what i need, and that ain’t much. anything on the rider is for the band and the crew. this “guacamole recipe” is my hilarious tour managers inside joke with the local promoters, it’s his recipe, not mine. it’s just something to break up the boredom, seeing who can make it best. though i wouldn’t know because i’ve never had it. i can’t even make kool aid let alone cook any real food enough to have a ”recipe.” sorry, i don’t have that talent.
White doesn’t like capital letters.
When I see a tour rider with insane demands all over it, I can’t help but think of life with my toddler. Nothing seems ridiculous to me after living with the demands of a particular two-year-old. White’s bratty response doesn’t even seem that bad.
The toddler rider trumps any rock star or diva’s, any day. Here’s what my son’s would have probably looked like, when he was toddler-aged.
Total toddler touring party is three (3). Toddler, mom and Woody. Woody is a doll but shall be addressed as a human at all times. We expect all items on the below list to be loaded into room prior to toddler’s arrival.
1. Dressing room.
(1) Toy Story potty with the flusher that makes a standing room only audience applause sound.
(1) Cars 2 bean bag, red.
(1) coffee table with edge protectors.
(1) blue blankie, unwashed.
(32) Legos, scattered about the room.
(2) iPhones with multiple apps to erase and with all in-app purchases enabled.
(1) Big screen TV mounted low enough to touch, spit on, and color.
(1) Projector to play videos of that YouTube Lady opening Disney toys and Kinder Eggs on a continuous loop.
(12) Crayons. No pastels.
2. Snacks.
(2) Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches: Creamy peanut butter only. Precise jelly to peanut butter ratio. Crusts cut off. Triangles please. No, squares. No, triangles.
(14) Grapes: Red only. Skin not too thick. Cut in halves, not fourths. No seeds.
(1) Bag of Goldfish Crackers: No partially broken fish. No fringe flavors. Do not remove from bag.
(4) Slices Cheese: American only. Remove from wrapper. Whole slices or cut into perfect, small squares, balanced atop one another.
(1) Bowl of Pasta: Elbows or spaghetti only. Butter. Cheese.
(4) Juice Boxes: Apple only. Minute Maid or comparable. No store knock-off brands.
3. For Mom
(1) large, round, glass goblet filled with that yellow liquid she never lets me try.
4. For Woody
(1) iPad with at least six (6) games loaded on it and all in-app purchases enabled.
(photo: Getty Images)