If Birthing Classes Were Honest
Birthing class is one of the ways first-time parents fill the long wait between peeing on a stick and going into labor. While birthing classes are designed to ease anxiety over labor and delivery and prepare you for life with a newborn, many of them focus too much on yoga breathing and thinking of pretty places instead of telling it like truly is. If they pulled less punches, maybe they’d be worth the expense and time lost cleaning out your Netflixs queue. If birthing classes were honest, here’s what the syllabus would look like.
Week 1: Understanding The Body You No Longer Recognize
Topics include:
-Don’t Effing Touch Me: Dealing with people who touch your belly without asking.
-Do That Again And I’ll Fart On You: How to handle partners who want to touch your rack all the time.
-Why Is There Jello In My Underwear?: All the gross ways your body will rebel on you during pregnancy.
Week 2: Diet & Exercise Tips You Won’t Actually Follow
Activities include:
-Watching a corny video about fruits and vegetables.
-Awkward circle time where you lie about what you had for lunch.
-Going over a handout of a ton of shit you’re not supposed to eat but will probably have sometimes anyway.
–Stopping for a burger on the way home.
Week 3: Preparing For A Drug Free Labor
Topics include:
–Hypnobirthing, birthing in the wild, orgasmic births and other hipster created names for what was once simply called “push like you’re trying to poop.”
-Round Table Discussion: Tub births- does being wet really distract you from your contractions?
Activities:
A sampling of hot sauces from around the world to determine your pain threshold.
Week 4: Epidurals, The Nectar Of The Gods
Topics include:
-How to make friends with the anesthesiologist.
-You Don’t Really Want To Leave Your Partner: Understanding the Florence Nightingale effect.
Activities:
– Timed practice sessions for sitting very, very still.
– How to tip the anesthesiologist in case there’s a long wait list. *birthing partners please bring cash to practice.
Week 5: Shit Just Got Real- What To Expect In The Delivery Room
Topics covered:
-“I Didn’t Mean To Call You That”- How to be a supportive partner to a laboring woman who’s pissed at you.
-The First Birth- Learning to look each other in the face again after one of you just shit on the delivery table.
– “What’s That Smell?’- Understanding that books and videos can’t prepare your nose for the delivery room.
Week 6: Evacuation Planning
Topics include:
-What Goes In Must Come Out: Coming to terms with the fact that you have to actually give birth.
– Vaginal births vs. C-Sections: Whether they’re on your tummy or down below, we all get stitches in the end.
Activities:
Watching a live birth video while eating pasta and sauce.
Week 7: Preparing For Life As A Parent*
Activities include:
-Driving through an obstacle course to mimic potential road hazards that could exsist the day you bring your baby home.
-Caring for a robo-doll baby simulator.
*In order to more fully simulate the experience of first time parents, this class will meet promptly at 2:30 am. Please sleep for no more than 1 1/2 hours prior to class time.
Week 8: Wrap-up
Activities include:
-Answering any final questions.
-Hand-holding.
-Assuring you that you can do this.
-Gently breaking the news that it’s too late to just get a puppy.
(image:Wavebreak Media Ltd/Wavebreak Media /Getty Images Plus)
