20 Signs Your Kid Is Totally Faking Sick To Get Out Of School

I’m home from work today. My first grader has been working it double-time since last night telling me how sick she is. Complete with whimpering, clutching her stomach, hobbling from the couch to the bathroom to “puke” and telling me over and over that she better stay home today. I will say- this is the first day she’s missed this school year. Thanks to three years in the Facility Daycare Petri Dish of Disease this girl appears to have an immune system of titanium. Her grades are excellent, she’s a great big sister and all-around sweetheart of a kid so I decided to humor her. Adults need breaks and get burnt out- no doubt, children do too.

So, now we are both keeping up the charade. Her, for obvious reasons. Me, so she doesn’t think that I knew she wasn’t sick and let her stay home anyway. I’ve stressed several times this morning that mommy’s job is important for our family and that I need to be there unless something is truly wrong. I know she gets it. But I also know she’s faking. Here are 20 ways to tell that your child is actually not sick:

1. They just jogged in place for a whole episode of Good Luck, Charlie

2. The doorbell rang and it’s Thai takeout your kid ordered

3. Doorbell rings again and it’s a few friends here for a playdate

4. They just sang the entire Frozen soundtrack while standing on their head

5. You just caught them gambling online

6. Now they are shopping online

7. Wow, they’ve opened up their own Etsy shop

8. The snotty tissues are actually full of vaseline

9. They just got back from a jog with the dog

10. Their reproduction of Monet‘s Women in a Garden is now complete

11. They’ve learned to speak a few phrases of Portuguese

12. You smell a turkey dinner they apparently just cooked

13. You turn on the TV and spot them in the crowd outside the Today show.

14. They’ve learned how to twerk

15. Caught them running the thermometer under hot water

16. You overheard them on the phone ordering more Thai food

17. Your browser history includes the phrase “how to make fake barf”

18. They’ve built a replica of the Empire State Building out of Legos

19. You go to their room to check on them and find a bunch of cushions under the blankets and your kid is nowhere to be found.

20. Your car is now missing

(Image:  Volodymyr Baleha/shutterstock)