Are You There, Moms? It’s Me, Idiot How Do You Have Sex While Co-Sleeping?

Are You There, Moms? It’s Me, Idiot is an ongoing series dedicated to helping one very well-intentioned and dumb future-parent learn about the world of childrearing. Click here to see past columns.

I think we’ve long established that I know basically nothing about parenting, although you’ve all expanded my knowledge base significantly. My questions about this whole shenanigan range from anxieties founded in my own childhood to issues I’m afraid to contend with to the typical gross out factor that comes from a lack of information, and you’ve answered them all wonderfully and patiently. But, I have a personal, dorky question that will once and for all expose me for the thirteen-year-old perv that I am on the inside. I want to talk to you about your sex life, big time. More specifically, I want to know how sex and co-sleeping work.

When I first started learning about parenting on the whole, I was surprised to learn about the philosophy behind co-sleeping. Of course, co-sleeping is fairly common around the world, and my surprise had only to do with ignorance. I don’t have an opinion on co-sleepingit appears to work great for some families and less well for others. As is typical, making some sort of sweeping judgement on the subject seems futile. But, I have to be honest. My first thought about co-sleeping had to do with sex. Like, how?

I suppose I’m most confused by families who share a family bed or bedroom once the child is old enough to be cognizant of what’s going on. It doesn’t seem all that odd to me to have sex quietly while an infant sleeps (I don’t know. Is this weird? I did weird under the covers stuff in college while my roommate was asleep. I don’t know). But I just wonder logistically how it all happens. Don’t laugh at me! I know this is a silly question!

So, do you do it on the couch while your kid is asleep in your room? Hide in the shower? Take a long drive to the grocery store? Is this really something that’s limited to people who co-sleep, or am I in fact describing the sex life of all parents? Help me.