Your Son Masturbating Is Normal, But That Doesn’t Mean You Want To Know About It

Typically when I turn to the internet for parenting advice it’s for help with potty training twins, but teaching your children about masturbation is a tricky topic, so the earlier I can get a handle on how to deal with my sons handling themselves, the better. This morning a post in Reddit Parenting caught my eye and made me question everything I thought I knew about boys and masturbation.

Reddit user honeydefender put up a post about how she walked in on her oldest son, age twelve, masturbating. She wanted advice on how she should handle the situation. As the mother of two young sons, I know I’ll have to deal with this issue too, but I was was shocked to realize how different playing with thyself is for boys than girls.

Commentators seemed to agree that the best course of action is to ignore that it happened altogether, but there was near universal agreement that moms should knock before entering a room. This is good advice that I’m glad to know, because my default reaction to walking in on my son beating his meat would be to try and talk about it. But if Reddit is right, the talk that I would see as being just like the last five minutes of a Full House episode where the soft music comes on and you learn a Life Lesson would actually be humiliating to my sons.

I was sure I could handle my boys wacking their doodles, until other comments started to offer advice for dealing with the aftermath of male masturbation. They advised mom not to touch or sniff any dirty clothes before washing them and to ask her son to flush tissues if he gets into the habit of leaving them lying around. A budget conscious commentator encouraged her to join Amazon Subscribe and Save to make sure she’s always in constant supply of tissues and lotion.

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I’ve never lamented being the only girl in my house, because after battling infertility I was thrilled to be pregnant, period. But perhaps moms of daughters do have an advantage other than having someone to snag deodorant from when yours runs out. Girls are self-pleasuring ninjas, requiring no accessories to get the mission accomplished and leaving behind no visible evidence of their actions. If I had a daughter, we’d have the masturbation talk, I’d install a removable shower head, learn to knock before I entered her room or the bathroom and that would be the end of it unless she wanted to discuss something with me.

With sons, I apparently don’t get that luxury. I suppose I can pretend to keep them in constant supply of tissues and unscented lotion for their “seasonal allergies” and “sensitive skin”, but the minute I step on a crusty sock I will lose it. I’ve already started to daydream about the day when they are old enough to do their own laundry, so not having to deal with bodily fluid encrusted towels is just another motivation for me to make that happen as soon as possible.

I want to believe that I can be the mom who’s completely comfortable discussing sex with her children. Not comfortable as in buys you a subscription to Playboy, but enough that my kids will come talk to me if they have questions about using condoms. It’s important that  boys learn about their bodies and healthy sexual practices, but I don’t want to know about it every time it’s happening.

I wish I could say I don’t have to worry about my sons discovering what’s in their pants for a long time, but if the past two years are any indication, my kids will be twelve before I know it. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to stock up on monogrammed towels and super flowery lotion all for myself.

(image: Dark Bird/Shutterstock.com)