shutterstock_82121953All right parents, listen up. I’ve tried to stay quiet on this issue but you’ve forced my hand. We need to talk about school drop-off and pick-up AKA the time when rational, courteous adults turn into rude devil babies.

We’re all in the same boat. We’re all running late, stressed, and annoyed, but that’s no excuse for some of the behavior I’m seeing. As the president of the Parental Douchebaggery Prevention Squad (a subteam of the First World Parenting Problems Committee) I’ve enacted new legislation for School Drop-Off/Pick Up effective immediately.

 

New Rules For School Drop-Off/Pick Up

 

No Cutting: This isn’t American Airlines. There’s no preboarding. Notice the lack of a fast lane for Elite Special Club members. Anyone who cuts in line will be abducted in the night, taken to a windowless room, tied to a chair and made to watch a recording of their their driving on an endless loop until dawn. “Let It Go” will be playing in the background and you’ll be taught complicated Rainbow Loom formations by an eight-year-old with an attitude problem.

 

I don’t know about your kid’s school but mine has reduced congestion by creating a line system. At pick up, all of the cars line up and roll up to the fence where a teacher brings out one kid at a time. It’s kind of like a McDonalds drive-thru but instead of nuggets, you receive a school-aged child that you are financially responsible for. At drop off, you drive up, your kid hops out, you wave and they leave. It takes a little time, yes, but it’s better than the alternative which is a game of bumper cars wherein the loser gets backed over.

 

Yesterday, a car blew past all of us and pulled up alongside the car first in line. The teacher brought out her kid and she sped off. When I asked why this was allowed to happen, the teacher just said “some people are in a hurry.” Oh yeah? Sleep fully dressed, line cutter. We’re coming for you.

 

Use your turn signals: Modern motor vehicles come with plastic sticks that jut out from behind the steering wheel. When moved “up” or “down,” they emit a ticking sound that coordinates with flashing lights. These lights tell drivers who aren’t currently living inside your head what your next move is going to be. We call these batons “turn signals” and encourage their frequent use.

 

Keep the bonding to a minimum: School drop-off and pick-are are not the times to share an Aesop’s fable with your child. Unless you’re going off to war that same day, a send-off that includes 14 hugs, six kisses, and a ten minute story about your family history is excessive. With 20 cars behind you, please have the courtesy to push your child out of your still moving vehicle and speed off. Teach them to tuck and roll.

 

If you need extra time, PULL OVER Blocking the line so that you can do a 20-point inspection of your child’s clothing is grounds for immediate ejection into space. Make use of the hundreds of side streets in your city and do this before you get to school. Or better yet, do it at home. You’re making uncaffeinated people angry which is very dangerous.