I Don’t Need A New Post-Baby Body Diet, Just New Clothes

[Content note: body image]

Sometimes, Google tries to help me solve problems that I don’t actually have. Most recently, the issue Google has invented on my behalf is body image problems, when all I started out with was an utter lack of fashion sense.

I have made a truce with my pregnancy-remodeled body, along the lines of, I will give it food, water, exercise, and warmth, and it will continue being strong enough to haul babies around and playing Frisbee and metabolizing alcohol for the foreseeable future. My body and I are cool; however, I would not say no to a clothing-related solution to hiding this pooch situation. So I did what any reticent nerd who doesn’t actually want to go talk to a clothing store clerk would do: I Googled that shit.

I’m not a particularly stylish person. My usual look is ‘long-sleeve t-shirt and yoga pants’; my mascara wand dates back to before I got pregnant. I know which end of the lipstick tube to apply to my mouth, but only barely. But I am aware, albeit dimly and distantly, that clothes and makeup can make you look nicer. Or at least different-er. And so to Google I turned, for advice on making my post-baby body (ugh, that phrase – now that’s something that actually belonged on Time‘s list of words we don’t need anymore) look less post-baby-ish. (If this were a horror movie, this would be the point where you yell, “No! Don’t go in there! What is she thinking?!”)

See, after my pregnancy, I am left with a flabby skin-pooch that is simply never, ever going anywhere. Ever. It smooshes over the top of my jeans, it gives my yoga pants an unflattering waistline, and it is not going anywhere. And that’s fine! This is the saggy, droopy price I paid for two amazing little people, and it’s well worth it – but still, it can’t hurt to seek some post-baby body clothes-related camouflage solutions. So my query was some variation on the question, “what to wear if you have a stomach pooch?” Surely I’m not the first ex-preggo to ask this – there must be some more fashionable and clothes-smart mom out there than me who has some genius ideas on how to make my tummy pooch look at least a little more like its former self. But my answer à la Google? Four pages of exercise tips, diet suggestions, and other such ripe fodder for body image problems.

“What you need to know to lose troublesome belly fat.” “Go from flabby to fantastic!” “Why your ab exercises aren’t working.” “Does your belly fat make you crazy?” Um – no thank you, please? All I wanted was some cute fashion options, and instead I got a pile of “YOU NEED TO CHANGE, FATTY!” This is WebMD levels of misplaced advice.

I gave up and closed the browser tab after four pages of this nonsense, so for now, long-sleeve t-shirts and yoga pants will continue to be my standard fashion staple. That’s okay, though; because you know what? I am both flabby and fantastic – no thanks to you, Google.

(Image: photomaimai/Shutterstock)