I’m pretty positive the creators and writers of young children programs are high as a fucking kite. Whatever it is they are on, when they come up with episodes, I just want to say, “I’d like some of that! How else am I going to get through these shows, without drugs?”
My kitchen television, otherwise known as The Best Babysitter in the World, is always on the kid’s channel, for my son Holt. So, mostly I spend my days trying to shake out of my head theme songs to children programs that are so fucking boring, annoying, or just plain weird, that I actually find myself pondering, “Maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world to try crack.”
Fuck my life, I think, when certain shows are on. Why? Because the same shows are still on, almost a decade later, back when my daughter was watching these shows.
I’ve already been there, done that with my now ten year-old, but am now forced to watch these shows all over again, as a less patient, older mother, who feels like she’s in the movie Groundhog Day.
Dora the Explorer is still on, with her goddamn knapsack, or backpack, or whatever the hell it is, and she’s still trying to outsmart, “Swiper The Fox,” and asking us which is the triangle or toothbrush from her backpack. The voice of Dora has changed, but seriously now…how long can this little shit go on adventures with her goddamn map for? Doesn’t she get tired? (Now, I have “Backpack! Backpack!” in my head. ARGH!) At least with Dora, I can brush up on my Spanish.