You Probably Hate Kids TV As Much As I Do Even If It Is ‘Educational’

hate Kids TV I’m pretty positive the creators and writers of young children programs are high as a fucking kite. Whatever it is they are on, when they come up with episodes, I just want to say, ”I’d like some of that! How else am I going to get through these shows, without drugs?”

My kitchen television, otherwise known as The Best Babysitter in the World, is always on the kid’s channel, for my son Holt. So, mostly I spend my days trying to shake out of my head theme songs to children programs that are so fucking boring, annoying, or just plain weird, that I actually find myself pondering, ”Maybe it wouldn’t be the end of the world to try crack.”

Fuck my life, I think, when certain shows are on. Why? Because the same shows are still on, almost a decade later, back when my daughter was watching these shows.

I’ve already been there, done that with my now ten year-old, but am now forced to watch these shows all over again, as a less patient, older mother, who feels like she’s in the movie Groundhog Day.

Dora the Explorer is still on, with her goddamn knapsack, or backpack, or whatever the hell it is, and she’s still trying to outsmart, ”Swiper The Fox,” and asking us which is the triangle or toothbrush from her backpack. The voice of Dora has changed, but seriously now”¦how long can this little shit go on adventures with her goddamn map for? Doesn’t she get tired? (Now, I have ”Backpack! Backpack!” in my head. ARGH!)  At least with Dora, I can brush up on my Spanish.

Then there are The Wiggles, also still on, though I think some of the original Wiggles have moved on, hopefully happy and healthy, and extremely wealthy.

Not one parent I know actually likes The Wiggles, yet they still are constantly on tour, and on television. Eight years ago, not only was my daughter addicted to The Wiggles, we actually met them in person (Oh, the ”˜perks”˜ of being a journalist!)

Mostly, the Wiggles make me furious. Why? I am totally jealous. I know they are worth hundreds of millions and whenever I see them, all I can think is, ”Fuck. Why did I decide to be a writer? I could have made a killing by just getting into a stupid latex one piece, singing children’s songs!”

I had the same thought, almost a decade ago, when I bought my daughter all those Baby Einstein DVD’s. I could videotape the ocean, or a fish in a bowl, or a rollercoaster. I’d be a gazillionaire if I had come up with the concept of filming items and places.

There’s still that dumb purple dinosaur. I can’t even bring myself to write out his name, he’s so annoying. (GAH! Now, ”I love you. You love me. We’re a happy family. With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you, don’t you know I love you too!” is spinning in my head.)

In Canada, there’s a show called, ”This Emily Yeung,” which features a real life, young girl trying out new activities. Emily Yeung makes sushi! Emily Yeung goes Ice Fishing!” It’s painful to watch, because I. Do. Not. Care. I do not care that this kid gets a harp lesson or whatever activity she is featured asking questions about. (When my daughter was two, the show was called, ”This is Daniel Cook,” and I didn’t mind it so much. Now Daniel Cook is around 15 years old, and I’m left wondering, ”What happened to Daniel Cook?” ”Is he doing drugs?” ”Is he still into acting?” ”Is he happy?” I hate that I’m forced to ask myself these questions. It makes me feel so old.)

And then there is, ”Toopy & Binoo,” which I also remember from 8 years ago. But, to this day, I don’t know what kind of animated animals ”Toopy and Binoo” actually are. I know ”˜Toopy’ is a large rodent but I’m not sure if it’s a rat or mouse. This bothers me. I know that ”˜Binoo’ is ”˜Toopy’s’’ sidekick, as a little cat (or could be a little bear) but why the hell doesn’t ”˜Binoo’ ever talk? I just don’t get it.

Clearly, he’s the smarter of the two, so why the hell doesn’t he speak up when ”˜Toopy’ gets lost or loses ”˜Patchy patch’ the blanket? If I were ”˜Binoo,’ I’d seriously escape, because my so-called ”˜owner’ was so stupid.

The same goes for the show, ”˜Max and Ruby.” Eight years ago, I was left wondering why  ”˜Max’ and ”˜Ruby,’ bunny siblings, in another animated series, don’t have parents. Where the fuck IS ”˜Max’ and ”˜Ruby’s’ parents? Frankly, if I were ”˜Ruby,’ and had to take care of my little brother all the time, I’d jab myself in the eye. If I were ”˜Max,’ I’d seriously hit my sister; she is just so darn bossy.

Like, ”˜Binoo,’ ”˜Max’ always solves whatever problem they find themselves in, but he’s silent. Quite frankly, I think both of these characters need to see a speech therapist ASAP. Or the shows need bigger budgets so every character can talk.

Don’t even get me started on, ”Thomas and Friends.” Well, now that I’m well into my rant, I have to ask, ”Could there BE any show more boring?” When I even picture ”˜Thomas the Train’ in my head, my eyelids get heavy.

Yet, Holt loves this show, like all the other shows. And I’m left thinking, ”Okay, trains, how many episodes do we really need to show kids they are ”useful?”

(Doh! Now I have, ”Thomas and his Friends!” theme song in my head.)

Another Canadian production features this animated kid named ”˜Caillou,’ who, for some reason is disturbingly bald. Caillou, quite frankly, is a spoiled brat, always complaining. Honestly, if that animated kid were actually my real life kid, he’d be in ”time out,” forever. Again, why doesn’t he have hair?

Obviously, toddlers have hideous taste in television, and the creators of these shows are just screwing with our adult brains for fun. I don’t know how I’m going to get through these shows another time. I guess I could try that little thing called, ”Outside.” It’s such a novel idea.

(Image: WordPress)

Similar Posts