NBC's "71st Annual Golden Globe Awards" - Red Carpet ArrivalsIf you stayed up to watch all of the Golden Globes, I’m highly impressed. I did my best, but I started dozing off a bit before 11. I’m getting too old for this shiz. I can’t stay up until 11 on a school night, but all my running crew was up: The Gloss, Crushable, Gloria Fallon, and my boss, Meghan Keane, who gently suggested I cover The Golden Globes. But I’m old! And I’m sleepy! And I missed Downton Abby! But this happened, which made it seem OK:

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So if you fell asleep like a smart person or watched something else instead, then here is everything you missed from last night’s award ceremony.

Drew Barrymore Wore A Maternity Gown And People Were Mean. 

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Arrivals

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 5.59.13 AM

Kerry Washington Wore A Balenciaga Maternity Dress. 

2014 InStyle And Warner Bros. 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards Post-Party - Arrivals

Kerry Washington is supernaturally beautiful. I mean, she epitomizes the PREGNANCY GLOW. She is just ugh, beyond gorgeous and I thought her dress was lovely. Look at her face!

(Image: twitter)

(Image: twitter)

Seriously, LOOK at her face:

(Image: twitter)

(Image: twitter)

Lupita Nyong’o Killed Everything With Her Dress.

Fox And FX's 2014 Golden Globe Awards Party

She basically re-wrote the entire dictionary entry for glamor. Amazing. She didn’t win for best supporting actress in a motion picture, drama, for 12 Years A Slave, which makes no sense to me because as far as I’m concerned, 12 years should win every award ever, it’s basically no contest. But 12 Years A Slave did win for best picture:

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

And  Chiwetel Ejiofor didn’t win either. Booo.

Amy and Tina were the best, as usual.

71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show

And Tina said this about Gravity: “It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.” And then there was this bit where Tina introduced us to her illegitimate son Randy:

(Image: twitter)

(Image: twitter)


And in case you need more Idris (who also didn’t win for Mandela, boooo) and of course you do, here you go:
And that asshole Woody Allen was presented with the Cecil B. Demille award:
Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 6.28.13 AMAnd from the lovely Mia Farrow:
Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 6.29.09 AMAnd the amazing Diane Keaton presented it, which makes me sad because she is so glorious, but I have no idea how she can respect that guy:
71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Show

Ugh, her hair is killing me. It is making me want to NOT have my hair dyed ever. But speaking of predators, why is everyone forgetting the director David O. Russell was once in big trouble over grabbing the breasts of his transgendered NIECE? Oh Hollywood, you sure do like to forgive and forget when it comes to men behaving in criminal ways.

And people were mean about Melissa McCarthy:
71st Annual Golden Globe Awards - Press Room

Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 6.35.51 AMAnd all of this made me super frustrated:
Screen Shot 2014-01-13 at 6.38.13 AMAnd some of these tweets were coming from women, women who call themselves feminists and who claim to support other women.

Emma Thompson was amazingly gorgeous and hilarious and took off her Louboutins because they were making her feet bleed: 

But probably the WORST thing of the night was when THIS flashed across the E Network screen:

Which, seriously, how offensive can you get?

There were no women directors nominated, and there have only been six in the last 34 years, but at least we had this lovely Bing commercial:

So did anyone of you make it to the end of the show? What did you think?

(All images unless noted: getty images)