‘Minimalist Kindergarten’ Are Two Words That Should Never Go Together

An architect in Germany has designed a school building for children ages one through seven. Since it is a space for young children, you can imagine how bright, cheery, and safe it must be. Well, you have no taste and you imagined wrong. No, Ecker Architekten has said “Nein!” to childish design and created a building sure to please the most exacting modernist and depress their children.

On Twitter, De Zeen Magazine asks, “[Is this] ‘A prison for children’ or a beautiful, serene place to grow and learn?” That’s not a question you hear very often. Let’s take a look, and see what we think, shall we?

Praised for it’s stylish palette of yellow and grey, the school certainly does have a calming, too depressed to scream feel about it. I especially love the enormous panes of glass and the sharp-edged concrete staircase. One has to assume that children will not be allowed to wear primary colors so as not to interrupt the peaceful, serene, dead inside atmosphere.

“Please wait your turn, Karl. It’s Oskar’s turn with The Bike.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: kids love glass and concrete. And I can think of no better place to encourage bike-riding than the halls of this slick, hard tomb. At least the poor people who will have to clean this place every day will have the benefit of its stark white surroundings on which to see every speck of dirt, blood, and poop.

Who doesn’t love a spiral staircase? No one. Especially not young children, who will immediately try to slide down the itty bitty banister. They won’t get far, and at least the curves in the staircase will interrupt a tumble from top to bottom. Should they make it to the top, they still have a lovely balcony with a barrier filled with holes that appear to be just the right size to fit the small hands and feet of your four-year-old as they practice their climbing.

All in all, this building makes me nostalgic for the 1980’s, when monkey bars were over asphalt and slides were made of burning hot steel. Well, we survived, and I’m sure these sad, pale little German kids will too.

(Photos: Twitter)