'Game Of Thrones' Parenting: The Hot New Parenting Style You Have To Try

A lot of us worry about messing our kids up, which is normal. Personally, if I ever want to feel better about how I’m screwing up my own child, I like to look at people who are doing a far worse job than I am; and who better to look at for an example of what not to do than the entire cast of characters over on Game of Thrones (or in A Song of Ice and Fire for everyone who’s read the books)?

What with all of the incest and schlong-removal story arcs, you really don’t have to look too far to feel less horrible about that extra hour of T.V you let your kid watch. Unless you actually let them spend that hour watching Game of Thrones, in which case, I’ve got no words of comfort for you. The damage has already been done.

With all of the talk about parenting styles we’ve been doing lately, it’s really pretty surprising that it took this long for me to get around to Game of Thrones parenting. After all, Big Daddy Durst has nothing on Tywin Lannister.

Oh, p.s., depending on where you are in the series, look away. This post is dark and full of spoilers.

Avoid Weddings

If you are expecting a baby soon, stay as far away from weddings as possible. Even if they have bread and salt on the menu.

Don’t Do A Gender-Reveal.

If you decide to find out what sex you’re having, and you don’t like the results, don’t forget that you can just leave unwanted peeners out in the cold night. Someone will find and adopt them.

Have More Than One Kid.

You should always have one spare baby, preferably a bastard, so that you can give them a regional specific name and either send them to the Wall to defend the seven kingdoms or else turn a blind eye as they spiral down into pure sociopathy.

Consider Adoption.

Should a witch destroy your ability to have human children by slaughtering a horse to perform blood magic over the septic, comatose body of your husband, just adopt a couple of dragons. It’s okay to call them your scalebabies.

Keep It In The Family.

If you get caught having incestuous relations with the father or mother of your children, it is perfectly acceptable to paralyze any witnesses.

Consider Breastfeeding.

You should breastfeed as long as you like, and if anybody gives you shit about it, just throw them out the Moon Door.

Invest In A Baby Carrier.

You should babywear too, and if hodor hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor!

Use Discipline.

There’s nothing wrong with a little corporal punishment, especially if your child happens to be a narcissistic psychopath.

Nurture Hobbies.

Your children will develop an interest in many things; and for your daughters that could be squirting out babies OR it could be water-dancing and assassinating people. It’s important to nurture these hobbies.

Know Their Friends.

As your children grow older, it’s vital that you know who they’ll be hanging out with.

Talk About Sex.

Don’t wait to talk to your kids about sex, or one day they’ll be bamboozled by some fire-kissed redheaded wildling floozie who will just try to kill them later.

Sibling Rivalry.

Sibling rivalry is bound to happen, but if you don’t keep an eye on it, it will likely devolve to into a situation where your son sells your daughter to a Dothraki khal and then your daughter will ultimately retaliate by gold-skulling your son. Kids, amirite?

Attachment Parenting.

Of course, there’s such a thing as being too close, so by the time your daughter marries a closeted faux-king, you’ll probably want to split up the family band.