Saying Things Like ‘I Pee-Peed’ And Other Ways Parenting Ruins You

I was sitting at my desk the other day writing, when I heard some cheering coming from the other room. I quickly ran into the living room, looked at my son, and asked my husband – Did he make pee pee in the potty? DID HE MAKE PEE PEE IN THE POTTY?  I’m forty.

Let’s talk about what I had for breakfast this morning, shall we? I had cut an Eggo blueberry waffle into tiny toddler-sized pieces for my son. He normally loves these waffles, but they were out of the Nutra Grain variety and apparently my little foodie child knows the difference. They were quickly rejected. I made him some oatmeal and set the plate of tiny-toddler bites next to my coffee.

I never knew you could form a whole dining regiment around what your kids push off their plates, throw on the floor, or otherwise reject. For lunch yesterday I had a handful of elbow pasta after my son deemed it unworthy, and a half of an organic yogurt rice crisp bar for toddlers.  And apparently toddler food is fattening as hell, because I’m not even losing any weight on this rejected-kiddie-food-starvation-diet. Also, I have to admit that I occasionally forget that there are adults in the house that may want to eat too:

Husband:  Wow.  We really need groceries.
Me:  I just went shopping today.
Husband: You bought Yo-baby’s, sweet peas, elbow pasta, bananas, canned pears and “little fishies” fish sticks. 

Me:  You can’t fashion a meal out of that?

Other ways that parenting ruins you? You lose all sense of propriety. I smell my infant’s butt about 15 times a day. This is an action that is so second nature to me – I’ve started doing it in mixed company. Oh, thanks for coming by to see the new house! Would you like a glass of wine? Oh my god I just smelled my child’s butt while I was taking my guests drink order.

Speaking of butts, I have no personal time with my own anymore. We don’t have a lock on our bathroom door – the house came that way. This was something that I was relieved about when we moved in. I thought – One less thing to childproof! Now I see it just means that the very little boundaries I had with my children are totally gone. My toddler came into the bathroom yesterday while I was using it, pulled up a stool, sat right in front of me and commenced snacking on his Goldfish crackers. Nobody warned me that when you are a mother, taking a shit is a spectator sport.

So yeah – parenting ruins you. But don’t feel bad about it – it happens to the best of us.

(photo: Getty Images)