Along with their requirements for food, diapers, and affection, it turns out that babies also need to be clothed. The way we as parents choose to meet that requirement tends to say more about our outlook on life than it says anything about the baby himself; and in the case of these ten Etsy onesies, it says, “I am jaw-droppingly tacky and have opinions about gender better suited to the Dark Ages than the year 2015.”

dad pair with black pants

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As we all know thanks to Science, men are inherently unable to match colors together, because testosterone. (Little known fact: the existence of male fashion designers like Ralph Lauren and Michael Kors are actually just a worldwide mass hallucination.)

This onesie also gets bonus points for being extra-annoying, because there’s literally no color of pants that doesn’t go with black-and-white.

il_570xN.553890664_fmxu(via)

Ha ha! Pretending our daughters will never grow up to have relationships, let alone The Sex, is a hilarious and totally healthy thing to do.

lock up your sons onesie(via)

I don’t know what I did to deserve to live in a world where things like this exist.

feed me and tell me pretty onesie(via)

“Provide me sustenance and reduce me to my aesthetic usefulness to others!” I’m all for telling young women that they’re pretty in the face of the repeated insistence from mass media that they are not and that they need to buy 9,000 products to make them acceptable for public consumption. I’m not so much for the ridiculous over-value placed on prettiness, though, and I don’t see any baby-girl shirts out there that say “Feed me and tell me I’m strong/clever/kind/brave.”

diaper butt look big(via)

I changed my mind. The “tell me I’m pretty” onesie is 900 times better than starting in on a body-shaming campaign for your three-month-old.