Most of you have undoubtedly noticed that here at Mommyish, we are kind of obsessed with parenting styles. We have been tossing around ideas for several weeks and in a discussion the other day, we were all “what about the Duggars?” and I was all “I’M ON IT!” Because as you may or may not know, I have wondered before about Ma Duggar and how she raises her public school class-sized brood of toddlers, teens and everything in between without going completely ape-shit. We are all aware that their methods are definitely unorthodox and do not mirror that of a typical American family but nevertheless, Michelle and Jim-Bob have kept their spawn alive and well all these years so there must be something to that Tator Tot Caserole diet and unholy obsession with denim. Hang out with me while I outline the journey you must take if you are to master Duggar parenting:
1. Be sure to give your children all names that start with the same letter so when you forget who you are talking to at least you always have that first letter correct. It shows how much you truly care about them.
2. As a woman’s hair is a covering from the Lord or some such nonsense, be sure to feed your girl children Biotin supplements with every meal for maximum growth of long, crimpy 1980’s waves.
3. Invest in denim stock immediately after your pregnancy test turns positive. Trust.
4. Turn your kitchen into a cafeteria. Hire lunch ladies or enslave teenage daughters. It’s good practice for their futures anyway.
5. Wash kids mouths out with soap when they say “evolution”, “science” or “dinosaurs”.
6. When your daughters tell you their hopes and dreams and they are something other than Baby Having and Husband Obeying smack those dreams down with a Bible.
7. Give your husband TOTAL control of everything. Even your uterus. And your daughter’s uteri too. After all, he is the Master of your family and knows best.
8. Buy an old school bus for family transport. It’s just good sense.
9. Buy lots of books and then burn them. Jesus will be proud.
10. Even if you don’t want to have sex and would rather claw your vag off than see your husband’s peen, HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND IF HE WANTS IT. After all, only you can satisfy his urges. No pressure.