Before he was president*, Donald Trump was just your run-of-the-mill rich douchebag. Ok, he’s still that, but bear with me. According to an explosive new book by Michael Wolff, Donald used to have quite a way with the ladies! Other people’s ladies. Namely, his friends’ wives. Nearly 63 million people voted for this knob, and that will never not blow my fucking mind.

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In Wolff’s new book, he delves into the chaos and fuckery that is the Donald Trump White House. There are plenty of tidbits about what’s going on now, but some of the best stuff addresses what the tiny-handed vulgarian was like before he decided to be really bad at being president*.

The excerpt in question discusses some of Trumps, uh, proclivities. Apparently, he has a thing for infidelity! Not surprising, considering he started dating his second wife while still married to his first and bragged about grabbing women by the pussy on tape while married to the third. But as it turns out, his taste for extramarital activities wasn’t limited to his own relationships.

In his book, Wolff claims that Donald would devise plots to get his friends’ wives in bed, using lies, scheming, and jealousy to make it happen.

“Trump liked to say that one of the things that made life worth living was getting your friends’ wives into bed. In pursuing a friend’s wife, he would try to persuade the wife that her husband was perhaps not what she thought”, according to sources interviewed for the book. Wolff goes on, “Then he’d have his secretary ask the friend into his office; once his friend arrived, Trump would engage in what was, for him, more or less constant sexual banter.”

“Do you still like having sex with your wife? How often? You must have had a better fuck than your wife? Tell me about it. I have girls coming in from Los Angeles at three o’clock. We can go upstairs and have a great time. I promise.”

All together now: VOMIT.

While this was going on, this sexual conversation that will require an entire gallon of brain bleach to remove from my memory, Trump would have the wife of the friend listening in on speakerphone. Presumably, after the wife heard her husband say disparaging things about her to Donald Trump, she would run into Trump’s arms and bed. This man is the president*, you guys.

The moron-in-chief is trying really hard to keep this book from coming out on Tuesday, but unless he’s willing to sit for a deposition and discovery (spoiler alert: not a chance in frozen hell), it looks like we’ll all be able to read about the jackass who lost by 3 million votes, and how he was terrible before being elected and is even more terrible now. Seriously though, all people had to do was vote for the most qualified candidate in history, and we’d be able to focus on Snomageddon and not impending nuclear threats and whether or not the president* is a numpty (another spoiler alert: he is).

Great job, everyone.

(Image: Facebook/Wake Up America)