Mind Over Mommy: Is It The Blues, Or Is It Depression?

When I first became a mom, I thought I had a very clear understanding of postpartum depression. To me, it meant sadness and sweatpants, crying a lot, and the people you see on commercials walking through the rain before a kindly voice lets you know that depression hurts and Cymbalta can help.

I didn’t understand then that depression comes in many forms, or that postpartum mood disorders can also include anxiety, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, intrusive thoughts, and psychosis. I didn’t understand why I suddenly had panic attacks when my husband left for work, or why I needed to check the locks the exact same number of times in the exact same way every night before bed. I brushed it off when I started worrying constantly that I was going to get sick and leave my baby motherless, and also when that fear led to crazy things like giving myself breast exams several times a day or wondering if I should record myself singing lullabies so my baby could still hear me in case I died.

Anxiety and O.C.D. weren’t on the pamphlets I got at the doctor’s office. No one at my postpartum check-ups said, “Hey, are you by chance sleeping with your hand on your baby’s chest and checking yourself for tumors every 90 minutes?” I assumed I was fine, or at least ignored the signs that I wasn’t fine, because in my mind whatever was going on with me was not postpartum-related and common misconceptions about postpartum depression and mood disorders made it so no one really challenged my sense of denial.

I suffered quietly for seven months before a blog post on the internet about postpartum anxiety gave me the world’s biggest ‘me too’ moment and I finally started calling around to see if I could get some help. I was a little late in looking for a life raft, but a staggering number of women never even get that far. A study by the non-profit 4Children found that 10-15% of women are estimated to experience some form of postpartum depression/anxiety, and of those women who go through it, 49% don’t seek help.

There are a lot of reasons why a woman might not seek help for anxiety and depression, but I suspect a big one is simply that it’s hard to tell where the line is between ‘normal’ and ‘not normal.’ There’s a lot of stigma surrounding mental health issues, and it’s way too easy to feel like a failure for struggling in motherhood. Everything in you wants to believe that you’re fine and that you’re on the ‘right’ side of okay, even if you aren’t.

I was curious as to how moms can put some of their fears at ease and be able to tell when it truly is time to ask for help, so I sought some answers from Dr. Jessica Michaelson, a Clinical Psychologist at Honest Parenthood, who agreed that it can be difficult to measure emotions in the early postpartum period, but that it’s completely normal to experience a pretty wide range of feelings at first.

The birth process and early postpartum period are so complex — physiologically, psychologically, socially — that I expect most women to have a wide range of emotional experiences in the first weeks, with high highs and low lows.

The problem, she says, is when time goes by and those feelings aren’t winding down, to the point that they begin interfering with your every day life.

Clinically speaking, we want to know if the anxiety or emotional stress is causing the mom significant emotional pain or making her life unmanageable. In terms of the subjective suffering, this means she is in emotional pain for a majority of the time or with episodes of intensity that are overwhelming… All new moms need a lot of help, so we’re talking about issues where the anxiety or emotions are interfering with her most important relationships or making it difficult to complete basic tasks, like driving or being alone with the baby. Of course any time a mom or someone else is afraid for anyone’s safety, it’s essential to get help immediately.

Michaelson stresses what I learned the hard way, which is that postpartum illnesses themselves often make women feel like their distress is normal and/or that they don’t deserve help. You’ve probably heard the phrase ‘depression lies.’ Well, it does. Truly.

If you think you would benefit from meeting with someone and discussing your symptoms, Dr. Michaelson recommends Postpartum Support International, an organization that provides referrals to qualified mental health professionals and resources for women to get help remotely if no one is available in their geographical area, or if it’s just impossible for a mom to find time for a physical appointment.

There’s also Postpartum Progress, an online community started by Katherine Stone that gives women a safe space to share their stories and get support from peers. The blog post I read that tipped me off to my own postpartum anxiety was actually on Postpartum Progress. Katherine Stone gave me my ‘me too’ moment.

The bottom line is that it’s normal to feel anxious, insecure, exhausted, and even frustrated, but feeling lost, in constant distress, and like you can’t get through your day-to-day isn’t just something you have to live with. You don’t have to suffer in silence. There are resources out there that can help you on your terms, and as Dr. Michaelson told me, there are many people out there ready to support you.

Mind Over Mommy is a biweekly column devoted to mental health and self-care for moms. As someone who formerly failed to make myself and my well-being a priority, I hope to create a safe space for women to share stories, learn, and encourage one another.

(Photo: Shutterstock)