defecation1Everybody poops. We all know this, but I’m one of those squeamish types who doesn’t like to acknowledge this fact. I’m perfectly content never contemplating the reality that everyone has certain bodily functions. I urinate with the door closed. Kids are a different story, because as parents we need to acknowledge and discuss and deal with these things, and a for a good few years of their lives all we do is spend many an hour dealing with defecation. It just comes along with little kids. We aren’t just parents, we are basically full time sanitation workers.

I know this will make me sound amazingly silly but one of my greatest fears when going into labor was the chance that I may have experienced defecating during labor. It was bad enough I would be all naked and vulnerable and in pain and having people witness me giving birth with an actual human coming out of my actual vagina, but I was also worried something else may come out when I was pushing. Yeah, sure, we all know defecating during labor is normal and natural but it still creeped me out. I did not want this to happen to me. And it didn’t. But what if it had? In the spirit of excellent journalism, I asked a whole bunch of men who they would feel if their partner defecated during delivery. Here’s what they said.

 Dad And Buried 

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“I’d heard the rumors before my wife went into labor, but it had never occured to me before then. I had concerns, but they were mostly either about my wife or totally juvenile, and once the day comes, there’s no room for juvenile. I forgot all about those, and my wife emerged unscathed. But if it HAD happened? I’d let it go. First of all, it’s MUCH worse for her; second, it’s meaningless when you consider the other thing her body expelled that day; and third, it’s not her fault. Besides, it does me no good to dwell on it. Forgive, forget, and repress. For the love of god: REPRESS.”

You can follow Mike on Twitter, on Facebook or at DadAndBuried.com

From Chris Johnson, age 30, banker 

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“I don’t know a lot about it but understand it happens sometimes. Wouldn’t bother me any more than the rest of the process- birth is messy.”

You can follow Chris on Twitter

 Albert Burneko ,  writer/at-home dad, age 32

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“Between the blood, amniotic fluid, vernix, tears, and my copious sweat, hell, I doubt I’d even have noticed another emission.  No no, honey, I swear, I didn’t even notice.  What smell?  No, I didn’t notice a smell.  Not at all.  Of course not.  Best day of my life.  

[shifty eyes]

Author: Deadspin.com, or on Twitter.

Scott Neumyer , Father Of One, Journalist 

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“Who gives a shit (no-pun intended). While my wife was lucky enough to not have it happen to her, defecating during delivery is extremely common and happens, from what I understand, most of time. To let something so trivial ruin the sanctity and excitement of the birth of my child would be completely asinine and immature. There are more important things to worry about during delivery so that was Get over it. Love your wife. Love your new baby. Move on. A little poops during delivery never hurt anyone.”

You can follow Scott on Twitter.

Anthony Arthur Of A Beautiful Life Brands 

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Jennifer was in labor for many many hours with our first kid. She was pushing so hard that I thought he was going to pop out and fly across the room. So it’s only reasonable to assume, with that much pressure brought to bear in a multi-use area, that there might be some leakage. Fortunately my wife and I, together at this point for nearly ten years, already had had much of the illusion of comportment ripped away (ie open door bathroom policy)

STILL…you’re looking down the double barrel of your wife’s love gun here, with your kid coming down one chute and Mr. Hanky out the other, so it can be weird. Add to that, my mother-in-law (a delivery room nurse herself in that hospital, though off duty) was in the room too. Yeah it can be weird awkward gross. But if you can’t handle it, you’re a chump. I mean, look at what SHE is dealing with.

We all had a good laugh about it, mostly because Jennifer cursed out the attending nurse, a woman with particularly awful bedside manner, multiple times. “GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE!” Yes that was it.

And after 12 hours, she had to have a c section anyway.”

A Beautiful Life, and on Twitter

Charlie Capen From How To Be A Dad 

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“If a dad-to-be is thrown by defecation from his spouse, he might want to rethink the whole parenting thing. Parenting is a defection parade.”

You can find Charlie at Twitter or at How To Be A Dad.

Zach Rosenberg From 8 Bit Dad 

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“Okay, so every woman knows that dropping a brown trout during childbirth is a very real possibility. And thusly, women do whatever possible not to – in my wife’s case, (and against my wishes) she ate the industry minimum before entering the hospital. By my wife’s account (I couldn’t use these words since a watermelon wasn’t pulled out of my ass), the birthing process was bloody and uncomfortable, but by-and-large easy. And, no poop. It was a running joke during the day between my wife and I that our son’s arrival could be happening upon a mudslide, but alas, no mud. But even if there had been, let’s be honest about the scene; the second the baby comes out, your emotions are elsewhere. There could have been hamburgers coming out of my wife, which were basically my favorite thing in the world, but once I saw my son, the rest of the room didn’t exist. I even watched the OBGYN pull my wife’s placenta out of her by the umbilical cord tug-of-war style and was still just holding my son, crying and thinking about how I now had something in life more important than myself, my wife and hamburgers. Sometimes when my wife and I are talking about the day my son was born, I’ll assert that she did in fact poop the table. We have a good laugh, but maybe that’s because it didn’t really happen.”

You can find Zach at 8 Bit Dad or on Twitter.

 Len Xiang, Musician/Actor And Partner Of Maria Guido 

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“We’ve been together too long and I love her too much to be grossed out by anything like that.”

You can find Len at his website.

The Mysterious And Hilarious Tweeting Dad Guy

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“Well… Consider that I witnessed them take out her intestines during the first delivery, that wouldn’t be so bad…What’s the difference what all the other bodily fluids coming out at that point?”

You can follow him on Twitter.