The holidays are coming up, and if you have a gag gift to buy, or a friend who is into fine art, leggings, and making people spit soda directly onto their computer screens, you’re going to want to pay attention. Because we found them. We found The Crazypants.
When it comes to fashion, I thought I was un-shockable. I was a fashion writer for six years and a cosplayer for almost 20. I think Lady Gaga’s meat dress was pretty boring, and Bjork’s swan dress was one of the greatest Oscar dresses of all time. After that time a fancy French fashion designer sent full-frontal male nudity down the runway, I was pretty sure I was incapable of surprise. But then this morning I was casually scrolling down my Instagram feed, and I saw this:
These pants are astonishing. And so lifelike! This morning I thought I lived in a world in which trompe l’oeil dick leggings did not exist, but now the blinders have fallen away. I don’t know that I’ll ever be the same, now that I know I am sharing the world with digitally printed marble penis leggings. It’s a crazy world, but definitely a cooler one.
These anatomically correct leggings of Michelangelo’s David are real, and they’re spectacular.
The leggings are real, and of course I had to track them down. They’re the “David’s Marble Legs” leggings from RageOn, and you can buy them right now for $42. (They’re marked down from $60.)
I don’t know where you might want to wear these leggings, but really, there’s no wrong place to wear leggings like this. Thanksgiving at Grandma’s house. Parent-teacher conferences. When you have a pair of penis leggings, every place suddenly seems like a place to wear penis leggings. You could wear them on public transit and spread out as much as you want. You could wear them to the wedding of someone you don’t like, and then innocently say, “What? I just thought I wasn’t supposed to wear white!”
You could even wear them to your friend’s next LulaRoe meeting and tell everybody they’ll be coming out next season. The possibilities are endless.
What would you do with a pair of David’s penis leggings? Let’s plot shenanigans in the comments.