A Dad’s Story About His Toddler’s Poop Disaster Will Make you Laugh, Gag, or Both
Somehow, I managed to escape my children’s diaper days without a poop disaster. Sure, they had blow outs, but what kid hasn’t? This dad, however, just had a poop experience with his toddler that will make all other poop-related stories seem mild in comparison. I personally am thanking my lucky stars I never had to deal with anything like this!
Jesse Mab-Phea Hill of Omaha, Nebraska, was having a good morning. As he wrote on Facebook, his son was at school, his wife was working, and his daughter was sleeping in her room, so he was “chilling like a boss in my man cave in the basement.” When he went upstairs to get himself a snack, he immediately notice a foul odor. His heart sank when he realized it was coming from his daughter’s room.
“I ran up the stairs screaming no, no, no, no, till I get to Alessandras room. There she is, standing at the baby gate, butt naked, holding her diaper, covered head to toe in her own crap. I’m not talking a little poop here and there on her. I’m talking layered on globs of human fecal matter covering her arms, legs, face and HAIR. It’s bad. It’s worse than any other time she decided to explore in her diaper. ”
OMG that makes it sound like she’s done this before! Time to start duct taping the diapers onto her, Jesse.
Hill wrote about his first reactions, which are TOTALLY relatable: he considered acting oblivious until his wife got home to help, but decided against “being a dick.” Smart move. Then he realized that there was no way for him to touch his daughter without getting poop on himself, so he used “two fingers on both hands to lift her by her armpits.”
When his daughter was in the bath, things didn’t get better. “The whole time she’s in the tub she tried to touch me with her shit covered hands and I screamed like a prepubescent girl,” he wrote on Facebook. It took him twenty minutes to “pick all the crap out of her hair, bottom of her feet and everywhere in between.” Gag.
Unfortunately for Hill, his daughter’s poop wasn’t confined to just her body. “Everything on the right side of the room was covered in steaming baby crap. The walls, the toys, the windows, the curtains, the play bench, the floor, the baby piano, my hopes, all covered in crap. It looked like a real category 5 shit storm blew thru her room. Hurricane Shitrina, if you will.”
Hurricane Shitrina. I’m dying.
At that point, Hill called his wife, who was already on her way home. If I was her, I would have immediately turned my car in the other direction. It took two-and-a-half hours to clean her room, plus “2 rolls of paper towels, 5 stolen gym towels, 1 bottle of pinesol, 1 bottle of bleach, and 1 big bag of crap covered toys.” He said that the room still smelled like a dumpster fire after he was done.
Hill managed to keep his humor about the whole thing. “I swear I do everything I can to show these kids I love them but they turn on me when I least expect it. Alessandra is my favorite daughter but my 2nd favorite kid right now.” I know that feel.
