Author Archives: Carinn Jade

I Should Just Face The Fact That My Children Will Never Learn How To Swim

I Should Just Face The Fact That My Children Will Never Learn How To Swim

I don’t swim. I grew up a poor Puerto Rican in urban Queens. I don’t think I saw a swimming pool other than on TV until I was 10. I learned to swim in my early teens because we moved to Long Island and I felt I should at least know how to not die if I was submerged in water. And that’s pretty much the extent of my ability. I know how to not die. I’m not afraid of the water and I certainly love jumping in and out of a pool on a hot day, but no one would ever call me a swimmer. Not even a little bit. More »

I’m #DoingItAll And It’s Getting Me Absolutely Nowhere

I'm #DoingItAll And It's Getting Me Absolutely Nowhere

If it’s not losing sleep battling my kid’s croup, it’s dealing with the other’s separation anxiety. If it’s not worrying how to pay the bills we have coming in, it’s making drastic changes in an attempt to live a more normal life. There are no vacations, no lucky breaks, never enough self-care in the world to keep up with this life. I feel like I’m #DoingItAll to get ahead but all the while I’m spinning on the hamster wheel of life. More »

My Nearly Five-Year-Old Still Has Separation Anxiety And It’s Making Me A Wreck

My Nearly Five-Year-Old Still Has Separation Anxiety And It's Making Me A Wreck

Some days he cries as I hug him and he falls in a heap as I walk out the door. Some days he does his best sloth impression, grabbing whatever he can — my hand, my leg, my coat — and digs his fingers in until I’m pleading the teachers with my eyes to come up with something to distract or engage him. Other days he begins his strike before we’ve even left the house. More »

Sorry Drew Barrymore, I Complain About Pregnancy All The Time So I Guess That Makes Me Crazy

Sorry Drew Barrymore, I Complain About Pregnancy All The Time So I Guess That Makes Me Crazy

As someone who struggled with infertility for two years before my first and got pregnant by accident in like a millisecond with my next child, I can vouch for the inexplicable, uncontrollable phenomenon that is sperm-meeting-egg, egg-implanting-in-uterus and everything else going according to nature’s plan. It’s a miracle. But that does NOT mean I won’t complain about it. And if that makes me crazy, so be it. More »

I Could Probably Learn Something From The School Of Candance Cameron Bure Submissive Wife Ways

I Could Probably Learn Something From The School Of Candance Cameron Bure Submissive Wife Ways

In fact, I’m sure my marriage could use a dose of Carinn submission every once in awhile. What would happen if I gave in to my husband’s way of doing things for an entire day? A month? A year? Would I transform from the alpha strong independent woman I am today into a meek and mindless servant, unable to think for myself? I can’t even fathom. More »

7 Things My Kids Did Yesterday That Make Me Think The Polar Vortex Is Really Hell Freezing Over

7 Things My Kids Did Yesterday That Make Me Think The Polar Vortex Is Really Hell Freezing Over

Now you may think Donald Trump is the only one who is calling bullshit on global warming due to these insanely cold temperatures, but you’d be wrong. I am too. I don’t think this is about climate change. I think Mother Nature was listening all the times I told some variation of this joke to my husband:

Husband: “How long do we have to wipe their butts?”

Me: “Probably until hell freezes over.” More »

We’re Too Cheap And Tired To Celebrate New Year’s Eve, So We Tear It Up At Noon

We're Too Cheap And Tired To Celebrate New Year's Eve, So We Tear It Up At Noon

I’m not going to act like we are an old boring couple who doesn’t comprehend parents who go out and/or get their drink on. We go on dates when we can, we share a beer around the house and we generally have a lot of fun together. My prejudice is just around partying in Manhattan on this one particular day. I’m just not interested in spending my evening squished among drunk tourists from all over the world, wearing their party hats and 2014 sunglasses that shed cheap glitter like we’re all at a strip club. Not only that but I’d have to pay double to get my regular sitter and triple to get into our favorite local bar. So we took the more interesting route — calling our sitter for 9am. More »