Australia has a food called “Fairy Bread,” which is served at kids’ parties. It’s really just white bread with butter and sprinkles, which I can’t believe I never thought of before. It’s such a good idea! Especially for parties, because it’s easier than cake and the kids won’t care, because kids are fucking mental for sprinkles. (True story: I put rainbow sprinkles on wild salmon mousse last week and my kid ate the whole damn thing.) But this week Epicurious posted an article about Fairy Bread, and you might want to watch out for flying boomerangs and furious Hemsworth brothers, because it looks like the entirety of Australia is pissed.
Oh no you didn’t!!! Damn you America! You ruin EVERYTHING!!!! #Fairybread
— Nomes (@Skubes81) October 21, 2016
For starters, Epicurious’ Katherine Sacks wrote that Fairy Bread is “usually eaten as breakfast, as a snack in-between meals, or after dinner to finish off the meal.” Apparently that is not true, Fairy Bread is really just for kids’ parties. (Though Simone Mitchell, the Australian writer snarking about Fairybreadgate on News.com.au, did say, “This sentence made us snigger, but then our thoughts morphed into ‘FAIRY BREAD FOR BREAKFAST, BLOODY GENIUS WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT'”)
The Epicurious version’s cardinal sin is being way too fancy. It uses toasted artisanal bread and cultured butter–“or better yet, make your own!” Sacks says–and sparkly sanding sugar instead of sprinkles. That’s pretty highfalutin for a snack that will get you side-eye if you do something pretentious like use a star-shaped cookie cutter on it.
– bog std supermarket butter is fine (but not margarine crap)
– FRESH bread (not toast)
– round 100s&1000s (not stripes)
— Trish (@misstrish1984) October 19, 2016
— Cat B (@lilredcat) October 20, 2016
— Christian Reynolds (@sartorialfoodie) October 21, 2016
The artisanal bread looks tasty enough, but Mitchell says it’s “Way too up itself for fairy bread,” and I’m starting to think Australian English is the best version of English. “Up itself” is such an effective turn of phrase. I think I’m going to steal it and start using it all the time, preferably while I’m stealing Fairy Bread, too, because let’s be honest, putting sprinkles on buttered bread is the best idea ever.
In the grand tradition of Mommyish’s Super F**king Easy Recipes, here is how to make Fairy Bread:
- Get some white bread.
- Put some butter on it.
- Add rainbow sprinkles. (The little round ones, not the ones that look like em dashes.)
- There is no step 4. It’s really that easy.
Seriously, fuck that Pinterest cake. For my kid’s next birthday I’m serving sprinkles on Wonder Bread. Also I’m going to go eat some for breakfast right now, because I’m American and we do stuff like that.