This App Says It Can Help You Have A Girl, Bet You All The Penises In The World It Can’t

If you’ve ever liked the idea of jumping through needlessly complicated, almost certainly ineffective hoops in order to make sure that you conceive a girl and not a gross, icky boy, but hated that you couldn’t waste ten dollars doing it, then I’m about to make your Friday.

Stork Diet/Girl is an iPhone app that claims to be able to help you gender-select your unborn baby with an 81% success rate. All you have to do is record your periods, have sex at very specific times during your cycle, and adhere to a very restrictive diet before you even get pregnant. See? So simple!

Basically the idea is to lower your sodium and up your calcium intake, an idea that the makers of Stork Diet got from this Maastricht University study. The study basically says that you have a 77% chance of having a girl if you skip gross sodium heavy food like bacon and eat delicious tofu instead and have sex at just the right time.

The trouble is that even the Maastricht study starts to fall apart when you account for certain variables, because–and I know this may come as a shock to you–there isn’t really a “natural” way to select the sex of your baby, as evidenced by people trying to do exactly that and failing for thousands of years. Probably the best part about this app is the page that recommends that you go get a blood test at the doctor’s office to monitor the concentrations of sodium and calcium in your blood.

At which point your doctor will presumably tell you that you wasted ten bucks because if there really was a way to guarantee with 81% certainty that you could collard greens your way to a girl, they’d know about it.

I’m not going to judge you if you want one gender over another. I was pretty happy that I was having a girl, but I would have been okay with a dangling baby, too. I do judge the people that are completely stricken and vocally disappointed that their babies or fetuses have the wrong parts. It is that group that I think this app is meant to cater too, which is probably bad because those are also the people that stand to be the most devastated if it doesn’t go their way.

If you want to spend ten bucks on an app like this that–let’s face it–probably won’t work or might possibly work accidentally, go ahead. I guess I could see it as kind of a novelty. A totally lame novelty with zero bacon and predictable sex, but hey, whatever it takes.

(Screenshot: App Shopper)