Toys are the bane of my existence. It seems like every damn day there’s a new toy or a better toy or a YouTube video about a toy that makes my kids lose their little minds. I’m all for imaginative play and keeping them entertained, but toy manufacturers are really testing my patience. Everything is tiny! Or makes noise! Or requires 97% participation from me! All of which defeat the purpose of kicking my kids out of the room to play with their toys. If you have a kid, they have a toy that you HATE, I can guarantee it. A quick scientific poll I conducted (I asked Facebook) revealed the most annoying toys kids own, and why parents hate them. So make sure these don’t make it onto your kids wish lists. But they make GREAT gifts for the kid whose mom you can’t stand.
1. Anything with batteries!
Toys with batteries make noise. So much noise. They also move, or do creepy stuff after the kids are asleep and you’re two glasses of wine into the bottle. Save yourself the heart attack of hearing, “Come play with me!” at midnight, and don’t buy them.
2. Shopkins, aka, tiny useless household items with faces.
Full disclosure: my kids freaking LOVE Shopkins. And I can attest, they are the worst. They’re tiny. They’re pointless. They all have cutesy names that will drive you crazy. When I die, my tombstone will read “Here She Lies, Smothered by Millions of Shopkins.”
3. Play Doh/Kinetic Sand/Anything Messy
Play Doh and Kinectic Sand sound fun, until you see the aftermath. Who doesn’t love walking through your living room and being reminded of the beach because of all the goddamn sand on the floor? SO FUN.
4. Whistles (seriously, what the hell)
As far as annoying toys go, this might be the worst. Who gets a kid a whistle?! They would be banned from my home forever, and they can take the damn whistle with them.
5. Giant stuffed animals
We’ve all seen the big Costco bears. How do you even wash those? Eventually your kid will be snuggling the equivalent of a cheap hotel mattress. Yay, skin mites!
In case you were lucky enough to miss the Mashems craze, they’re basically little sticky water balloons that collect dust and hair and then pop in your kids mouth. Everything you want in a toy, obviously.
Let’s take an annoying toy and weaponize it! We’ve all seen “A Christmas Story”. Someone WILL put their eye out.
8. Popcorn Popper, or the king of annoying toys
Kids find a thing, and then they do that thing until the end of time. So unless you want to die with the sound of popcorn popping in your ears, skip this one.
9. Elmo anything
Elmo is the cutest Sesame Street character. His voice is also the most annoying. Let’s combine with guitar riffs, sounds perfect!
It still boggles my mind that a bunch of little rubber spiky balls made it onto the market. It’s like the manufacturer has never met a kid. OF COURSE they’re going to put them in their hair. Next time you see a kid walking around with a bald spot, you know someone gave that kid Bunchems.
Did we include the most annoying toys your kids own? The list is long, we know, so tell us in the comments if we left off anything you hate!
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(Image: iStock / Choreograph)